A couple weeks ago my CGA class and I spent a weak focusing on spiritual gifts. We talked about how your gifts can range from being a giver to being compassionate or a servant to those around you. There were a total of seven gifts we discussed. Our instructor would name one of the gifts, and then list off traits that accompany said gift. We would keep track of which gifts we felt like we possessed strongest, and which were our weakest.
Low and behold my top gifting was that of Leadership.
Growing up as one of the oldest of eight, I learned at a young age what it meant to be a leader to my younger siblings. Whether that meant setting an example for how to act, or trying to get them to clean up the house. I was not always the best leader, but I learned to love the role.
Going into high school, I enrolled in a program called Junior Reserved Officer Training Corp (also known as JROTC). JROTC was first and for most a leadership training program. I spent four years learning what it looked like to have command presence, be in control of situations and to always remain calm during stressful moments. By the time I left high school I had a love for leadership, and sought out any situations in which I could take charge.
During our training camp for the Race, we found out that leaders were raised up from among us Racers to lead the teams all year. I was sure that I was going to be chosen to be one of the team leaders. I was one of the most qualified after all.
I was not chosen to be one of the leaders.
Every time there were team changes during the Race, every time they had to raise up another leader, I held my breath just waiting for them to say my name. And every time I was left disappointed and dejected.
Why didn’t they see my potential? My skill? Why was I over looked, while people who I —at the time— considered inadequate were raised up instead?
I came home from Race without having been a team leader at all. The position that I thought would be a given, was completely stripped away from me.
Coming into CGA I no longer viewed myself as a leader. If I were a leader, someone other then myself would have noticed it by now.
During our spiritual gifts assessment my ears perked up when I heard our instructor mention the gift of leadership. The familiar excitement that I felt bubbling up in me at the mention of leadership was quickly extinguished as I remembered that I wasn’t actually a leader. Sure I thought I was a leader, but if no one else saw that trait in me, then who was I kidding.
My heart was in a flux between my insecurities, and joy as our instructor began to list off the characteristics of a leader and I found that she was describing me. I was skeptical as to whether I actually fit into that category, or if I was just trying to fit myself into the leadership box because that was who I so desperately wanted to be.
Still insecure and unsure we began or first few months at CGA. I am working this with a part of Adventures in Missions (or AIM) called venture magazine (check it out here at venturemagazine.org). My story telling track is in charge of taking the pictures, writing and arranging the articles, and everything the magazine needs.
As we began discussing how we wanted to run things, the head of our track mentioned that we needed to split up into two groups. A writing group, and a photography group. I gladly joined the writing group. We then were told that we needed to pick a leader I secretly imagined how much I would love to be the leader of our group, but I remained silent. Leading was only something I thought I was good at. Not something I am actually good at.
My friends hand shot up in the air, and she proclaimed “I vote Deirdre” I couldn’t believe my ears. Did someone possibly see something in me that I thought I had always been imagining? Our instructor turned and smiled at me, and agreed with my friend. I was the new writing leader.
Over the last few weeks I have had the honor to be the leader of my amazing team of four writers. The Lord is reaffirming in me every day with these girls in a million different ways showing me that he has called me to be a leader.
He is giving me opportunities to learn what it means to be a good leader, a strong leader. He has graciously kept me from positions —such as team leading— that I had not been prepared for. Knowing what is best for me, and best for the people I would be leading.
In this next season of life the Lord is slowly giving me back positions of leadership, affirming that I am in fact a leader. He didn’t accidently give me the wrong gifts. As I am growing and changing, the Lord is slowly revealing to me what it looks like to walk and be confidant in the gifts that he has given to me.
And so ladies and Gentlemen I would like to say that I, Deirdre Lehmann, am a leader!
