There are moments when it feels real. Small periods of time, glimpses almost, during which it hits me that I am actually going. These moments are exciting, terrifying, and overwhelming. They are few and far between. They are amazing and heart-wrenching…
I was laying in bed one night, reading blogs of what past racers have packed and what they recommend feature racers to pack, comparing that to the packing recommendations Adventures in Missions gives us, while trying to keep in mind the locations that we will traveling to, the seasons we will be there, the weather and temperatures. When suddenly it hits me. I'm leaving. I am shopping for all my upcoming years possessions. Whatever I bring will be the only things I will have for the next year! This is all I am going to have. This is it. This feeble list of things that might be what I need, but could very possibly be completely wrong! Thats everything! Panic and fear swept over me. The enormity of the future was suddenly thrown at me, and I was hardly prepared. I took a couple deep breaths to steady myself and then it was gone. I fell once again into the surreal state that i currently live in, The one in which the World Race does not seem real.
Driving home from my mom's today I sent her a quick text asking if she would go with me to the airport in July to see me off. My mom lives 8 hours away from the airport, so I know it was a big favor to ask, but it would mean a lot if she was there. "I wouldn't miss it for the world" she replied moments later. I started crying when I read that text message. Her words made it real. My mom supports me and believes in me, her response made realize everything I am leaving behind. For a brief moment it was real. I am really leaving. This IS happening and I'm leaving my amazing family who loves me and supports me to go into the middle of nowhere to do only God knows what. It terrified me! I was overcome with sadness, and then it was gone.
I was driving past this large lake that lies in the middle of our small town, singing loudly along with the radio, and marveling at the beautiful reflections of the setting sun in the lake when I realized that in a couple short months God is going to open my eyes to Amazing sights! I am going to go places, and see things that are ten times more beautiful then anything I have ever dreamed possible! Excitement welled up in me and I began laughing out loud! Traveling! Seeing the world! Changing the lives of others in the name of God! This is going to be my future! I'm going to be doing all of that! And it was real. I understood the amazing adventure that is ahead of me, I could practically touch it, taste it even! And then it was gone.
Thats the thing about these moments; they are fleeting. The majority of the time I feel separated from it all, it hasn't hit me, what I'm doing. I'm going through all the motions, support raising, equipment buying, everything that I should be doing, but it still doesn't feel real to me. Not yet anyways. except for those glimpses of course. Those short moments of time where it hits me what I am doing and I am suddenly overcome with emotion! Then it is gone. I don't think that it will hit me that this is actually happening and that I am actually going until I wake up in india one day!
I know that I am going. I know that this is where I am supposed to be and that I am doing what God wants me to be doing. Insecurity is not what I am trying to convey here. Surrealism perhaps, or maybe just the silly way in which my head tries to box in all of Gods amazing plans which can't be boxed in. They are too big for my little mind to comprehend. They are too big for the small box that my head is trying to constrict them to, and so my mind slips sometimes and the Amazing reality that God is putting in front of me becomes visible. for just a second. In one brief moment I can see the reality that God has for me. The Bigger picture, the plan that he is constructing for me! And then it is gone…
