First off sorry this took so long in coming to y’all. Training camp was intense in the sense that you are trying to get to know 50 people all at once. But at the same time you’re trying to have a quiet moment with your Heavenly Father so you can hear from Him. My biggest fear was I didn’t want to get caught up in anything that wasn’t of God. But thankfully God came through all the noise and business and showed me He was there at training camp.
One of the ways God showed me He was there at training camp was there was a lot of confirmation of things He had already showed me. God had been showing me that I was going through a grieving process for many old wounds in my life. I had never let or been able to let many old wounds heal especially the one from my abuser. But God has been working on me the past five years and allowing me to grieve and let go of these wounds. I’ve been working through a lot of hidden anger and rage as well. It’s like going through old clothes and deciding which is ok to keep and which is bad and you don’t want any more. God has been doing that with my anger and emotions these past five years. He’s been showing me which feelings were good and which ones were selfish. He’s been showing me which ones were justified for that moment and how to let go of them because it’s in the past. He’s been showing me what forgiveness and trust look like. He’s also been showing me there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
One of the things God has showed me is that I can’t truly experience love or joy unless I knock down all the walls of anger and hurt. I first have to let those go and then I can allow true joy and fellowship in my life. I acted like nobody could hurt me and my anger was my mask to my fear of getting hurt. But God is ever so loving and tender and He’s been showing me these walls/masks I use. My Heavenly Father has been ever so slowly and tenderly been removing them from my life these past five years. My Father continues to do this and continues to show me new areas that need His skillful hand. What an amazing Father we have.
My Heavenly Father has me on a journey and it’s amazing. Don’t get me wrong it’s hard, words can’t describe to you how hard this journey has been so far and it’s just begun. But this I can tell you it is worth it. There were years I felt like I was walking backwards more than forwards. There were also days where I felt like I was just running in place. But now He’s brought me to the top of a mountain and He’s shown me a higher peak I want to conquer.
There isn’t any mountain I can’t conquer. Why, because I rest in the strength and trust of my Guide, because He’s done climbed them all before me. So I know He will guide me safely through no matter the dangers or perils that lie ahead He knows them all. I just have to trust Him.
This is what God has been showing me the past five years. At training camp He just reconfirmed all of that and showed me my efforts weren’t in vain. One thing He keeps showing and reminding me is that no matter how loud or busy or still or crazy my life is He’s still there. Satan may play with your feelings and may make you feel alone but the darkness can’t hide my Savior’s light and love for us. It will break through just like the dawn after a storm. The sun never stops shining the clouds and rain can hide it for a while but they can’t make it stop shining. Such is the case for my Father’s light and love for us.
