My stomach hurts. My heart is shattering in my chest. The tears stream down my face, an unrelenting flow for nearly 24 hours. Since the moment we began our goodbyes to the staff (our family) at the YWAM/JUCUM base in San Salvador, I feared this moment. To be honest, I have feared it for weeks. The mountain of packs is precariously tied to the top of the bus. The sounds of 41 C-Squaders scrambling to get ready and pack in the powerless hostel begins to transition to the quiet of a very early travel day. The door looms in front of me. I am leaving El Salvador. I am leaving my beautiful new family here. And I am doing it all without Homeward Bound.
Thinking back to the beginning of month 3 feels like reaching back into the recesses of history. As our two buses entered the capital city, an incredible feeling of anxiety and fear crept into my being. Having a travel day twice the promised length, I was feeling very much like a caged animal. Who was YWAM? Would I be stuck on a walled base watching over American high schoolers for the month? Would I ever be able to find time away from my team? Why did I have the feeling of standing on a precipice, leaning over the edge and seeing endless, black depths looming below? El Salvador was the first country I was not supposed to be in: something big was going to happen, and I was sure it would be equally as horrifying.
Little did I know, I was standing on that ledge, but I was not looking out into darkness. I was standing hand-in-hand with Jesus, and He was saying, “Jump with me.” What was before me was not going to swallow me, but raise me into the light. So, I slowly crept to the edge, and I jumped. It was not a beautiful dive. It was not an impulsive cannon ball. But it was a jump, nonetheless.
Month 1, in Honduras, Jesus taught me about myself. Month 2, in Guatemala, He taught me about Himself. And month 3, in the beautiful country of El Salvador, He taught me about Trust.
This month I learned to trust in God’s plans. I did not choose El Salvador, but God chose me for El Salvador, and a huge piece of my heart will forever be there. I did not choose YWAM, but God knew I had lessons to learn from them and relationships to build. And I know I’ll be back, even if only for a season, because these YWAMers are my family “para siempre.” I did not choose to be on an all-girl team, but this month especially, I found the beauty in having 6 sisters committed to loving you no matter what, despite any differences. I learned what it looks like to choose to love someone, even when you don’t have to or want to. I learned that loving and being loved by women is a tremendous blessing.
I learned to trust God in ministry, and in the gifts He is giving me. Evangelism, the focus ministry at JUCUM-San Salvador, is a huge challenge for me. But God called me to go out in boldness. He showed me I have gifts already, and promised more to come. He showed me He does not fail me, even when my mind is doubting, weak, and full of white-noise. He taught me to trust that even the five minutes I spend with a person can completely change their life because it is five minutes spent with HIS truth and love. If he can give minutes to convince a college student to re dedicate his life, or change a man’s heart about killing his ill mother to save them both from poverty, or encourage a male prostitute to radically alter his lifestyle and leave the industry, He can use 5 minutes to do just about anything. He taught me to trust the words He gives me, because they are truth and they are powerful.
God will not fail me. He keeps His promises. God is trustworthy. It was a beautiful and life-changing lesson to learn. And as I fly out of this country that has torn my heart from my chest in the best of ways, I am clinging desperately to this truth. There are 8 months left of this race, and I am not called to this 8 months for nothing. I have more lessons to learn. I have more family to find. I have new teams to learn from and pour into. There are 3 more continents to explore, love, and find more of Jesus. Leaving is hard – the most painful thing I have had to do so far on this race – but I step forward, willing to jump once again, because I am standing on the promises of my Savior. I have no idea what this next month, year, or further will hold. I have asked, and I am waiting with hope. I am trusting Jesus, who knows and loves me.
And I am making this transition with an entirely new team. I do not understand why I have no HoBo holding my hand on this cliff, but I trust God has big things in mind for this new team. As I tearfully stood hand-in-hand with Homeward Bound during team announcements, knowing I would be the only one completely separated from the group, God gave me peace. And God gave me excitement. And God whispered: “Trust me. Let’s jump again.”
So, on the count of three:
1…….. 2…… 3
