I have never used a journal entry as a blog before. It is both intimidating and terrifying to allow you to see into this part of me – the raw, unedited thoughts. But when The Lord says share, we share. So here goes nothing….
June 15, 2014
“We are spending this weekend in Senanga Village with Love’s Door 4 All Nations. It’s been an amazing weekend. I got to tutor children and read with them. I got to laugh and sing and play with them. I got to see Jesus in them and love them like Jesus would. I got to spend time with the villagers – weeding the headman’s garden, eating peanuts with Austin and Servia, meeting Joseph and letting Daniel eat his fish. I got to see God paint the sky in magnificence at night, with the full moon rising over the Zambezi and the Milky Way dancing across the sky. I got to hold David and Little Monkey. I got to take 10,000 selfies with African children. I got to pray with 11 year old Siloka about his translating and that God would use him in great and mighty ways for the Kingdom. Today, in a beautiful reversal, he prayed for me and my Race. I get to sit right now in a Zambian Village church, dancing, laughing, singing, and praising.
All of this and my heart is still so heavy. God, I feel empty and broken. It’s as if part of my heart is missing. I am homesick in an absolutely painful way. I desperately want to feel at home with these people and my squad, but right now I simply do not. I miss my family. I miss my Daddy and his hugs and encouragement. I miss just sitting with my mom. I miss Tabitha’s advice and wisdom. I miss a beautiful little girl I have not even met. I miss Timothy’s calm spirit and searching heart. I miss Nathanael’s cheekish grin, his determination, and even his stubbornness. I miss Yoga Pant date nights with Brinan. I miss bonding with Jo over TV and drama and teaching. I miss laughing with April. I miss helping her prepare for her wedding this week. I miss my families at Sebastian and Jefferson. My heart is just MISSING – missing things – a desperate yearning for closeness with those I love.
And in that, I know that if I was in those places, with those people, my heart would still be heavy – missing. It would be missing the nations. It would be missing C-Squad. It would be missing the amazing people I have met. Mostly, however, I know it would be heavy and missing because my heart is longing and yearning for Jesus in a way it never has before.
I read Psalm 63 earlier this week:
“Oh God, you are my God,
Earnestly I seek you;
My soul thirsts for you,
My body longs for you,
In a dry and weary land
Where there is no water.”
As I read it, I prayed for a desperate yearning like this. And I KNOW why my heart is MISSING. My heart is missing YOU, Jesus. I doubt my relationships on earth. I struggle with them. Yet I still love these people in a way that causes pain at times. Lord, I have no doubt in our relationship. I do not doubt Your love for me or Your trustworthiness. And the way You love me makes me miss you in a painful way. I long to physically feel Your presence and Your closeness, to escape the troubles of my world for a time and be completely filled and surrounded by You. This is a desperation that I have not felt before, and it both scares and excites me.
I am encouraged by the fact that I KNOW You are not far. Even when I feel as though You are distant and silent, as I do now, You are right here. I can be in Your presence. Until You return, I will always be missing, yearning, longing in a way. But I also know You will make your presence known, whether in the comfort of a friend, the handhold of a child, peace in Your Word, or laughter and joy in Your praise. You will not leave me missing and alone. You will fill that place with You, little by little, until it reaches it’s fullness in a final day. And as I long for the day, I pray You use me in the waiting, use me in the missing, and continue to draw me close to You.”
