Month 2: A coffeeshop in Guatemala; a conversation with two beautiful sisters, both discussing how God has redeemed the gifts they selfishly tried to keep for themselves. In moments of surrender, they both gave their gifts back to Jesus. He did not punish them for using them the ways they had. He did not scold or rebuke them. Instead, He took their gifts, repaired the damage, and blessed them. And both women now use those gifts to glorify God, on the race and at home.
One of our ministries this month is teaching in a local pre-k school. The teachers are on strike, so there are only a few workers. The kindergarten classroom I worked in has around 50 students. We felt ambushed. The teachers expected us to come with lessons to take over the class. We were only told we would be assisting, helping. It was overwhelming. The kids did not speak English and did not listen. We managed to do a few things, but those did not go over entirely well. Out of the 50, only a handful seem to have listened. They struggle with colors and numbers and letters. It was mass chaos. The feelings of utter inadequacy managed to creep back in. Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I find the solutions? I am supposed to be able to teach anyone, right? Why am I holding myself to such a standard? If I think about it honestly, what could they possibly be expecting from a few gringos who speak no Spanish and have one translator for 5 classrooms? I will never know. After half of us got sick, we are not allowed to return to the school anymore. I was there just enough time to see the need, really feel broken for it, and then leave. Did we even make a difference? I feel, again, as though I have failed. And I am frustrated and angry.
Month 3: I taught today. I taught a hundred or so El Salvadorian elementary schoolers about their identity in Christ. And I loved it. I got a taste of the passion I no longer feel when I step into a classroom. I got a flicker of hope.
Month 6: I am so glad to be working with children this month. My race has been relatively empty of children – the opposite of what I expected. My passion for children is still here. I get feedback a lot about my gifts for children and teaching. So why do I still feel an immense amount of pressure when I am asked to teach? Why do I continue to believe that everyone has insurmountable expectations for me as a teacher? Why does the thought of stepping into a classroom seem revolting, terrifying? Daniel encouraged me to tell my story… so that people can see that God does not take our gifts away completely, that we can rely on Him to redeem us no matter what we go through. Perhaps it is time to start telling my story… But how can I tell it when it doesn’t have an ending…not even close? How can I tell it if I am still wondering if God took that passion and gift away for good?
