It’s month seven. We are tired. We are worn out. We are smelly. We are homesick. And we are ready for a vacation.
Before the Race began, I knew there would come a time when all my dirty laundry would be exposed. The challenges of community living were no secret, and I was prepared to expose my faults at some point. One of the main reasons I signed up for the Race was to finish the work that the Lord began in me about two years ago. I had been through the ringer–so beaten down that I could not lift my head, much less hide my flaws. At the end of my junior year I was far from being the woman of God I longed to be. But as time went on, God set me on a path towards redemption.
He sent me to Australia for a semester, and it was there that I truly started my journey of self-discovery. He was healing my heart left and right and giving me a new confidence each day. I finally came to terms with the selfishness and insecurity I’d been stuck in, and by the grace of God, I was humbled by his forgiveness. It was a season of victory on every side, and when I returned to the States people could see the difference in my spirit. I was no longer beaten down and defeated. I was put back together, glowing with life.
It was an incredible feeling to experience such victory in Jesus, and I didn’t want it to end. As empowering as it was to recognize the changes within me, I wasn’t foolish enough to think the work was over. There were mountains of layers that needed to be pulled back before I could move on in life as the godly woman I strove to be. I was hopeful that the World Race would present opportunities for me to pull back those layers, dig up my flaws, and make room in my soul for Jesus to take over.
In the first four months, not much of that was happening. Yes, I was growing and healing from certain things, but I was still hiding my flaws behind a pretty smile. It was too easy to love and serve my teammates. It was too easy to reveal the good in me and stuff away the ugly.
But then Africa hit.
All of month five, six, and seven, I have been traveling, eating, sleeping, ministering, and living with the same six women. That’s three months, people. Three months with the same six women.
No other time in life do you spend 24/7 cooped up with six girls, without an escape, without the freedom to visit friends or spend the afternoon at a bookshop alone, without the beautiful gift of silence in the morning or privacy at night. It’s like living in the tallest tower of a castle, locked away from the world, but with six other people just as desperate as you to get out for some fresh air.
Not good conditions for keeping up a perfect appearance, eh? Despite my desperate efforts to convince my teammates that I am always kind, calm, positive, and reasonable, I failed.
I failed big time.
After a month and a half of being in Africa and spending every moment with my new team, the threads that held me together started unraveling. I fell back into the sinful behaviors that once marked my identity, growing angrier, more selfish, more irritable, and prouder each day. Instead of bearing the beautiful Fruits of the Spirit, I fell into the ugly Works of the Flesh.
Most of these moments were internal, only slipping out during minor issues, but eventually I cracked open and everyone saw the ugliness hidden within. Ask me someday, and I’ll tell you the stories of my unraveling, but for now, for the public domain of my World Race blog, I’ll trust that you will believe me when I say I had a few nasty spells.
After one particular ugly moment, I finally broke down and brought all my burdens to the foot of the cross. I asked the Lord to help me see why I was losing control of my reactions and why I had grown so short-fused. I came to terms with the ugly truth that I am covered in flaws and the beautiful truth that Jesus meets me where I am at, ready to redeem and refine my soul in Him.
In order to understand the unhealthy emotions that had been stirring inside of me, and the spiritual and mental affects they’d been having on me, I started doing listening prayer every morning. In the stillness of the early hours, I would bring my questions to the Lord, wait quietly before him, and listen closely for his voice. I wrote page after page in my journal, realizing that my recent lack of self-control and spurts of anger found deep roots in my past. The Lord gently invited me to revisit some of the darker seasons of my life and to seek understanding and healing from wrongs I had been dealt and wrongs I had committed.
He pushed me to see myself, raw and exposed, as the ragamuffin sinner I am. It was only there, in the ugly truth of my fallen identity, that I was able to let go of the old spirit and be clothed with the new.
It’s now been a month of listening prayer and spirit-led processing. The Lord has wrecked me with his truth, and although it’s been a messy, harsh, humbling process, it has been 100% worth it. Of course, there’s a million miles more to go in my journey of spiritual growth, but I am incredibly grateful for the gift of the Ugly Truth. It has saved me from unnecessary anger towards my teammates, and has drenched my heart in love for my team.
My nightmare of community has transformed into the dream that Team HULK will be my family until the end of this Race. The fact that I’d choose to continue living for four more months with these same six months is proof that Jesus Christ reigns. Without him, my heart would never have been transformed and I’d still be stuck on the tallest tower of the castle.
There is more to learn, more to grow in, more to be healed from, and more to offer to this beautiful community that constantly surrounds me. I’ve learned it’s not worth it to throw in the towel, because these women are my family. We hurt each other, but we fight to pick up the pieces and put ourselves back together again. We see past the surface into the depths where all our uglies are hidden, but we love each other anyway. I am finally learning what true love is, and although it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever fought for, I will never walk away from the battle.
“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
John 13: 35
