Saying goodbye isn’t easy. It is not a great feeling to be ripped out of an environment just to be shoved into another. Everything that I had said up to this point is not perjury, I was speaking in Faith and it did not cross my mind that my plans would fall through.
I fail partially because I am lazy. I am treating God as if he will drop food into my nest, just because I am a bird. I figured that if I got this far, I would get there. Everything would fall magically (or spiritually?) into place. I figured that if I left my job, got rid of my worldly trappings, and could get to training camp that I’d be fine; That God would honor that. I guess that missions is a lot more enigmatic than I had realized. Because I did all of the stuff: I got vaccinations, I quit my job and cancelled my car insurance and I lied, unintentionally, to tons of people. I feel like such a hypocrite. When I ranted about things not working out, some of my bolder friends pointed out that I was lacking in (what’s the word)…effort: A little too little, a little too late.
And worst off, I met my team. God, I wish that I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong! The team is full of creative, amazing and interesting people that I felt connected to in the Spirit. I was honored at the possible opportunity to do life with these people for the next 11 months. They have a ton of faith and they are spiritually in the right place. Now, I feel kinda robbed. Why would I get a glimpse of that just to have it taken away? If God knows what He is doing, why doesn’t He just clue me in so I don’t look like an idiot a good majority of the time?
And I have had a weird life. I have been humiliated, humbled, and frustrated before. I know what it is like for my “plans” to go up in smoke. I see in hindsight that God had a purpose for my life then. I know that He is cooking up something good now. I just hurt. I hurt and I don’t want to hurt. Maybe it is my people-pleasing ways, but I feel like I let down thousands of people: my squad, my team, my church, the ones my team will meet, the ones praying for us, the ones supporting us and rooting for us. That’s weighing on my heart. God definitely is working in my life. He didn’t leave me. But what did I do wrong? Why do things just take so long to finish? Heck, why do endeavors in my life seem to take so long even just to start?
That old saying “it is better to have loved and lost”: I feel like that person never lost anything. Maybe I am just feeling like the Israelites when they left Egypt for the wilderness. Maybe I just have to look beyond the past to see that there is a future. Even as I am writing that I only half-believe myself.
That said, I am almost done with planning. I don’t want to make plans just to lose them. Like, what is the intrinsic difference between a surrendered plan to God and no plan? He is the composer. I am like a string full of notes on the page. I don’t understand my part in the grand scheme, which is where trust comes into play. And that is not to say that the WR is the be all and end all. I’ll live. I just want to know God and be okay. I want to be able to see Him moving whether through this or through something else. I don’t want to pigeon hole Him into only working through what I understand.
It has been real. It has been a truly eye-opening experience. I hope the best for all who are reading this, especially my squad, especially team Forerunners. I will miss you all. Please keep me in your prayers and never stop believing.
“Trust in the Lord and lean not to your own understanding.”-Proverbs 3:5
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