Stripped
Exposed
Bewildered
Shoved.
these and quite a few more are the words that best describe how I felt when I arrived in Cambodia.
Arriving in a place that didn’t look even a little bit like home, speaking a language only a few people knew, I stood in the midst of my team. 5 women I barely knew, but every decision , every breath I took, Every bad day and good day, they would be a part of it…..and I barely knew their favorite color. I went from a community in America that knew me…and I mean knew me. In great depth, from the meanings of my facial expressions, to what a monstrosity I am when I am tired. to.. the rude awakening of language barriers, culture shock, getting to know these 5 women I live with. Life is weird, community is weird. I left my comfort zone in the airport of Korea, And at the beginning of the month, All I wanted was that comfort zone back.
I feel weird writing hard things,
In the culture of missions, you don’t always hear the hard things. You hear about the grandest of adventures, how you prayed over the crippled man and he was healed! The story of the Buddhist family you prayed over and the entire household came to Jesus, The lady you always buy fruit from in the market and that she cried at the end of the month and you gave her a bible and pray for her everyday. The girl from the strip club you helped rescue from being trafficked. The stories of God’s might. The story of how he used you in the things that are really flashy, the things that make you look like a super Christian, The things you get 4000 blog views from.
And while I can’t wait to write about all those things, However, I also am a realist, authenticity and rawness is my drug. My passion for the truth in experience is something I am willing to pull out of myself and others deeply, and without mercy. Tell me the dirt, Let me see the cringe.
So in light of reality, I don’t have a huge story of brilliant missions to tell you. I don’t have one moment that I can say Wow!! that was incredible!! I didn’t cry when I left. My heart wasn’t left in the province.
Reality check. This month was freaking hard. From something small to the fire ants to the big thing like, hey , My team doesn’t get along yet.
It was my first time leaving the country, and let me tell you, the mixture of culture shock, homesickness, and jet lag is the worst recipe ever. I’m past the point where I’m going to be like, but I’m an adult ! I can handle things!! I can’t. Life is hard.
But, God isn’t in a box, He is so much bigger then the box we put him in everyday. This month was really hard, I felt alone alot, I didn’t know if i was going to make it I questioned a lot of things. God is bigger then my questions, then my homesickness. Leaving America, I left the greatest community I had ever been in, a strong church, a great life group, people that spoke Jesus into me every single day. So much so that my first few days in Cambodia I kept being attacked with the thoughts ” why would you leave this? why would leave such a great community? why would you mess up such a great thing? it won’t be the same when you come back. they will have moved on from you.” I questioned why I would leave this, I cried out to God on why I did this now? why didn’t I do this a few years ago? Why now. but God …..
I learned this month the simplicity my relationship with Jesus. God had to take me out of my Christian community that knew me so well, So that I could find Christ. I realized I was talking about him not to him. This month I reminded of the simplicity of the gospel. Of it being all I need is Jesus. At the beginning of the month I felt like my community and comfort zone were ripped from my fingers. Now we are at the end , I lay my comfort zone and Community at the feet of Jesus. I know my team better, slowly we are becoming family, I’m pretty sure My ministry this month blessed me more then I blessed them. I ‘m not a princess, but I know Jesus, and I will live happily ever after.
