I’ve wanted to write about my thoughts on coming back to the States for a while now, but it’s rather difficult to put words to. Re-entry is different for everyone. I didn’t know what to expect, how things would be with my family, how hard it would be to find a job I could get excited about, or how much I would miss being with people who slowly became like family.
Coming home to me is a lot like Elizabeth Gilbert puts it in Eat, Pray, Love, “It’s as if you’ve given a monkey a pile of 10,000 buttons and said, “Move these buttons, one at a time, into a new pile.” This is a considerably easier task for the monkey than if you just plopped him in a corner and asked him not to move.”
In a weird way, I’ve felt a lot like that monkey asked to just sit still and not to move. After going, going, going for so long, picking up and moving month after month, I have continued to wonder when God would have me pick up and move, because I’ve become really good at it. But that’s not what He’s told me to do.
My go has become stay and that’s hard.
He has told me to be still.
To rest.
To reflect and remember what He’s done this year.
To find Him in the waiting.
Sometimes coming home feels a lot like nothing has changed. Sometimes it feels like the Race happened five years ago.
Coming home, I wanted a schedule, busyness, something to give me purpose again. I’ve seen a lot of my squadmates go right into careers, schooling, relationships, what seems like the fast-paced life of America. We’ve all changed and have totally new perspectives on life and God, but there’s something about hitting the ground running that seemed so flawless. I wanted to do that. I wanted to perfectly scoop up a new and impressive job, find a home church, join two small groups, begin a gym membership, and bond with my family.
My life at home has looked a lot like hanging with my fam, working odd jobs, applying for a million jobs (at least it feels that way), soaking in the Florida sun, checking out local churches, and waiting for God to put all the pieces together so I can start functioning like an independent adult. I would like to have my own place, pay my own phone bill, buy my own groceries, but right now, life looks a lot like eating my parents’ leftovers, cleaning homes, having way less friends than I care to admit, and feeling a bit lost.
And I think that’s totally okay. It’s normal. It’s okay. It’s hard to be in one place. It’s hard to continually put myself out there. It’s hard to continue interviewing at places, just to hear a no a few days later. I trust that God has a plan. I trust that He is in the waiting. I trust that He’s with me as I stare at those “buttons.” There is a part of God that comes out in the struggle. There is something deeper, something “more.” And it’s coming soon!
If you’d like to continuing reading my thoughts or reflections, I’m moving over to treadingindeepwaters.wordpress.com, so that I can continue writing! Thank you to all who have been faithful followers, supporters, and prayer warriors.
