One piece at a time

Avoidance #1

I loved those children and wanted to back to the Philippines, but was it really possible at that time?  I still had my senior year of college to complete. I thought that following graduation, I was supposed to get a job using my degree and enter the real world. I began to push the passion that God gave me for those international kids aside and allowed fear, people, doubt and feelings of inadequacy creep up on me and prevent me from pursuing God’s leading.

I finished my senior year of college and proceeded to work fulltime at the company where I interned throughout college. All the time and money spend at college was worth it! I was using the knowledge and skills learned throughout college in the workplace.  Overall, I enjoyed my job and was gaining valuable experience in the Corporate America world, but I wasn’t satisfied.

The Second Nudge

Through a series of events, I was beginning to feel like it was time to move forward.  That is when I began searching and applying for new job opportunities. On October 3, 2010, I applied for a job at Focus on the Family and two months later, I found myself in a car with all my belongings moving west to Colorado. This was a huge step for me, but I was ready to start new. I had previously buried my passion for international children before, but as I started this new journey at Focus, God slowly began to reignite this longing. I didn’t know why or what it would look like, but I was sure God would allow me to pursue and fulfill these passions right where He placed me … especially in an organization like Focus. I enjoyed working at Focus and loved the atmosphere, but I ultimately wasn’t satisfied, feeling as though there was still something more.

Avoidance #2

I felt like I was missing a key piece of the puzzle, but I couldn’t pinpoint the missing piece. I hadn’t even been working at Focus for a full year yet, but I still found myself searching for more.  I was trying to fulfill a desire that wouldn’t go away. I began searching and pursuing opportunities to fill this void in my life that was missing.  While on my quest, I came to the acceptance that I was not fully committed to my job.  I loved Focus and the mission it stood for, but I wasn’t all in.  My heart wasn’t fully captured in the work I was doing.

I wanted to move forward once again to see what else was out there for me, but I felt trapped.  Was I being to selfish as I never seemed to feel satisfied no matter where I was? If I would quit my job, where would I go? What would I do?  How would my family react?  Once again, I allowed the judgments of other people and the fears of the unknown overtake me, and prevent me from pursuing the longings that I deeply desired.

The Final Nudge

About six months after moving to Colorado, I got involved with the youth group at my church.  This opportunity has had its challenges at times, but it has been great to build trust and relationships with the teens. It has also been incredible and such an encouragement to watch the teens grow spiritually.  During my first full year of helping, I wanted to do more and after the missions trips for the 2012 year were announced, I felt a tug inside that lead me to apply as a leader on a missions trip to Guatemala. Was this trip going to satisfy the zeal and passion I had for overseas ministries and international children? Was this how God wanted me to fulfill the passions that He first ignited within me after returning from the Philippines? I was hopeful!

Leading up to the trip, my excitement diminished, as I realized the additional responsibilities I would probably have that could potentially limit some of the interactions I would have with the international children.  Wow, was I wrong!  Little did I know that God would use this trip to completely break my heart and wreck me.

Within 36 hours of arriving in Guatemala, I was ready to leave. I found myself very frustrated with a variety of situations that had already occurred. I didn’t want to be in Guatemala, and I didn’t understand why I even went on the trip. It was the Monday evening of our trip, when I knew I needed to get away and spend time alone with God.  I began to journal that night writing out all the frustrations of the day, and why I believed I had a right to feel the way I did about each situation. I finally came to the realization that I was trying to control the way I served in Guatemala.  I was not allowing God to truly work in and through me. It was at this point that I completely broke down, crying out and being very vulnerable with God. I came to a point of asking God to reveal Himself to me and to change my heart and my attitude.  I also asked God to break down the barriers that I had built up all around me, preventing Father to work in and through me due to fear, inadequacy, people, lack of trust, the need to step out of my comfort zone and the unknowns. I needed to relinquish my control and allow God to use me however He best saw fit.

WOW, that was hard, but absolutely incredible! Throughout the remainder of the trip, my perspective changed 180 degrees.  I saw continual progress and was on a new journey of being real and allowing God to use me as He saw fit.

The Call & My Response

After returning from Guatemala, I constantly found myself asking the question, “what now?” My passion was reignited for international children and reaching out to those who are lost. I knew I could not avoid this passion again and I needed to pursue it and dig deeper.  But, what was I supposed to do?  How was this passion of mine going to be fulfilled? Maybe a new job, that works to advocate for children?  I pursued this avenue several times and each time God closed the door.  I was becoming discouraged and was left unsatisfied. I thought there was something more for me to pursue, but I didn’t know how to proceed. That is when God revealed several barriers in my life that I had built up within me since returning from Guatemala which prevented me from fully seeing what God had in store.

I found myself visiting the World Race website daily, reading updates from current racers and constantly soaking in the potential opportunity.  The excitement would build as I read one blog after another, but I would quickly become fearful and doubt my ability to be a part of such an incredible opportunity, wondering if God could really use me in this way. Was the World Race really something I was supposed to pursue?  I couldn’t get my mind off of it.  What would people think?  How do I know if this is truly where God is calling me?  How am I supposed to raise $15,500?  I struggled with these questions for several weeks, but everything around me continued to point me forward in this direction.

I finally came to a realization that I had been allowing Satan to win a battle inside my life. I was diminishing God’s power and work in my life.  I knew I could not let this happen anymore. I felt as though God had been leading me to apply for the World Race multiple times, but each time I let a barrier get in the way and prevent me from taking the next step. I needed to completely surrender to Him and let go of my control over my life.

I had been trying to figure my life out on my own. I was trying to put the puzzle of my life together on my own. I didn’t want to give up my control and put my trust in God’s hands. After searching through the Scriptures, I learned that wisdom is not the ability to figure out how each piece of the puzzle fits together on my own. Rather, wisdom is trusting God even when things don’t fit; even when there are lots of pieces that remain missing.

If God were to have told me two years ago that a missing piece of my life’s puzzle would involve me leaving the comforts of this world and giving up almost everything to go and serve “the least of these” (Matthew 25) for the glory of God in 11 different countries, I would have never  believed it to be true. However, God has been leading me one piece at a time, to the point of surrendering everything and following Him no matter where He leads or what the cost (Matthew 16:24-27).