First, please let me apologies for the lack of updates recently. After our first month of ministry ended last week, our entire squad loaded onto buses and drove to a hostel in Siem Reap. Here we have spent the past week reflecting, processing, and setting goals for the months to come. Each morning I wake at the blessedly late hour of 7:00 AM and climb the two flights of stairs to the roof. Sliding aside the large paneled door I walk out onto the rooftop patio where I curl into my favorite spot; a cushioned whicker chair protected from sun by the shadow of a nearby water tank. Here I sit with the Lord and ask to reflect with him over the past month. Taking my hand he leads me back to the hard moments. He leads me first to the roof of our ministry house where I stand watching my past self sit alone on the roof, looking desperately out to the crushing darkness around him. Slowly he sinks into the loneliness of leaving everyone he loved; the loneliness of leaving everyone who loved him. The Lord takes my hand once again, leading me deeper into remembrance of the times I wished to forget, the moments that don’t look good on a blog post. With grace he walks alongside me as I see my past turns his eyes away from beggars on the street, the sourness of disgust in his heart preventing me even from acknowledging their humanity. Silently the Lord’s gentle hand pulls me deeper. I find myself sitting in the familiarity of our host home’s common room. There I sit talking to my team mate while in the very same moment wondering why God loves him. The Lord’s hand tightens around mine and I look up to see a tear sliding down His cheek, heart broken by my rejection of the son he died to save. Still deeper he leads me. The sunrise now peeks through the window and my heart breaks with his as I watch myself roll over, choosing an extra half hour of sleep over the time I had promised to spend with him. On and on his gentle hand guides me, his heart breaking for mine through countless moments. Finally he stops. We have come to the end. A look of extravagant love washes over his face and ripples over me, effortlessly washing the shame from my heart. I am standing back on the roof in the chill of night, watching for the second time as I cry out in my loneliness for God to help me. This time, however, we linger a bit longer and I watch as a light appears next to the small black silhouette of my body. It grows quickly and envelops my now illuminated figure as I melt into the comfort of the Holy Spirit now surrounding me. I stand alongside God only a few feet away, watching as this beautiful scene unfolds and remembering the unexplainable peace I rested in that night. I want to stay longer but God leads me on, now glowing with pride beside me. Together we walk once again through the hardship of the past month, yet in each moment he shows me exactly where he stood, his soft light glowing in the midst of my darkest memories. Gradually we come to the end once again, his hand no longer holding mine but instead wrapped around me in intimate embrace. I stand with my face in his chest, crying, worshiping… loving; loving him more than I have ever loved anything. Taking his hand I climb out of my whicker chair as he leads me to the center of the roof. The sun soaked tile warms my bare feet and he invites me to dance. Slowly, tentatively I begin to dance with Jesus. My heartbeat quickens and my feet leave the ground, the torrent of my love and praise poured out as I dance undignified before the throne of my God. Each step shouts my thanks, with every leap I am caught in the grace of my father. Eventually my footsteps slow once again and walk back to my whicker chair in the shade. I take a seat and realize for the first time in my ten year walk with the Lord I am fully, hopelessly in love with Him.
