This is most definitely the hardest thing that I have ever said. In fact, the only people that know this about me are the people who are on this race right now.
…I honestly don’t even know where to begin.
Growing up in my family was tough, not because I had a hard life by any means, but because of expectations.
Allow me to elaborate on that.
I am the youngest of four, two older sisters and an older brother. My dad is an elder at our church, he was our scout master in the boy scouts, he was always the dean at church camp. He is on a few different boards for different things.
He is a leader. His words are always heard and taken to heart to those who hear.
I myself have always been a servant and a giver at heart all my life. Its just how God created me.
Yet all throughout my childhood I was always called to be a leader by my dad and those who knew both of us.
Well, first off, those are big shoes to fill. If I become half the man that he is then I say he was more than successful as a parent. I can promise you that I wouldn’t have said that 3-4 years ago. All through my childhood, my dad always told me how lazy I was, how I needed to do something with my life, how I had so much potential that I was letting go to waste. This was his way of trying to say that I was worth more than I was currently doing. That I was capable of more than I believed that I was.
However, that’s not what I took it as.
I always took that as him telling me that I wasn’t good enough to be his son. Every time he had me do something, if I didn’t do it the way he wanted me to, there was always a comment like, “Why didn’t you do it like this?”, “It took you that long?” Or something to that effect. He almost never told me he was proud of me for the job that I did. That is until I was older, and if he did I don’t remember it.
Would you like to know what I heard every time that he made one of those comments?
“You aren’t good enough!”
“You’re not what I want.”
“Why can’t I have a perfect son?”
After a while I started to cringe every time I knew I was going to be alone with my dad. That was because whenever we were alone I felt like he was always going to tell me how I was doing something wrong, how he expected more from me, or even how he was disappointed in me…that was always the worst.
None of those negative things that I was believing were actually things that were being said. That was the devil working through my fathers words because he knew that I would believe them. The devil was trying to cover me in shame always making me think that I wasn’t loved or that I was never good enough.
That is a LIE!
I am more than good enough and I am loved because Jesus died for everyone! Not everyone besides me.
As a result of all this shame and guilt of feeling like I was never good enough, it drove me into insecurities that in the moment I thought could only be fixed by finding my worth in other things. Those things are evil influences such as pornography, idolatry of things such as money. It also made me feel like in order to be liked I had to have all the newest and nicest things around. I found my worth in things of the flesh that made me feel good for as long as I was using those earthly things or doing those earthly deeds.
God redeemed all of that.
I love my dad more than I ever have in the past. We can actually have conversations now because I know his heart behind the corrections. I don’t find my worth in the words of people, but in the promises of God.
Ephesians 1:5
“In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will”
This is where I have found my new worth. It comes from God through his son Jesus Christ. I want to encourage every single person reading this to share this blog. Because someone, somewhere was and or is going through the same things that I did.
They need to hear this.
Besides that, there are dad’s out there doing their best to raise a child of God. They need to hear this too! Not because they’re doing it wrong., but so that they can identify the schemes of the evil one and combat them with love that only a father can give.
God made you the father of your children for a specific reason. You should be proud of that fact, and be proud of your children, just as they should be proud to have you as a father. God can redeem all things. He makes all things new.
I love you dad!
I’m me because of you,
When you didn’t have my hand, you had my back.
Thank You
