God I am struggling with the aspect of You on this race. I do not know what I am doing. I fall and keep falling. I want to know You. I want to love You. I want the words that I speak to ring rich in Your love. Why do I continue pretending with You? Why do I keep pushing You away? Why can I not let You in? Am I afraid? Am I afraid of what You will bring to the light?
I am afraid. I am afraid of disappointing. How can I be a man of God when I keep putting the weight of everyone and everything on my shoulders and not giving it up to You? Why do I continue pretending? Why do I continue pretending whom I am? I need You to be my identity. I want You to define whom I am. I need You to define me through my weaknesses and my strengths.
I can no longer do this on my own. I am not able to push forward and continue pretending anymore Lord. I can lie and say that I am seeking You like I should but I don't; I struggle. I am putting You behind everything and I am fighting You. Why do I keep fighting You? Why do I continue to ignore my calling? Why do I take the words that are spoken over me and simply ignore them?
Give me inspiration Lord. I need You to speak to me. I need You to love me so I know that it is okay. So I know that its okay to step out and be me. I need You to define me. Speak to my heart Lord.
-Amen
Galatians 1:10 says:
"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."
These past few months have felt as if it were a vacation. Yes; I am doing ministry, building relationships, sharing His love to those in need of it but I have not been ministering to myself. I am not being a true servant of Christ because I am not letting Him control my life, let His approval be all that I need. I have not been able to see the truths that The Lord has for me to learn because simply I have not been listening. I am shouldering others approval of me above the view He has of me. I am finding my identity in man and this is hindering my experience. It is hindering my connection, my relationships, and my race.
Going into the race I knew it would be a challenge to keep healthy relationships and a healthy spiritual life but I didn't imagine that I would stumble like I am. A hard question was asked to me "is your life and are your relationships in balance?". The answer that my heart screamed was no. No I was not putting my Lord and savior above everything and everyone. From team bonding moments, exploring new places, movie night, to a shared laugh; I let myself fall. I viewed time with my team and others around me more important.
I readily receive joy and affirmation from those around me making it harder and harder to see the joy that The Lord is showering me with. I would bend over backwards for any of my squad mates but the scales are tilted in the wrong direction. I am not focusing on the most important relationship. Placing my affirmation and joy from those around me leaves me continually empty. Seeking more and more from man and not being filled. Filled with His Joy.
In the story of the woman at the well Jesus spoke one strong truth. He spoke of water that once you partake of it you will never go thirsty again. This is how I feel of His joy and His love. Once you place your affirmation in Him you will not need to seek the affirmation of man for you will be filled with a spring of water that wells up to eternal life. For this reason I walk in faith. I will still continue to struggle and fall, I will be afraid at times and I will face hardships. Yet I know that I will no longer run to those around me for affirmation but instead encouragement. Encouragement to seek Him and go to Him with all my needs and wants. He has covered me in His love and that is all I need.
