The World Race is filming a documentary.
They have given us expensive cameras and gear so that we can video our journey. We had to go through a week of video school to learn how to use the equipment. During that training we learned what “story” is. It was defined in a way that I have never heard before. I used to solely think of story in literary terms: protagonist, antagonist, climax, end, etc. How would you define what “story” is?
We learned this definition: A story is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.
To me, that is a profound statement because it no longer applies to characters in books or movies but it applies directly to me; being a part of the documentary helped point this out. I am a character living my own story. You are a character living your own story.
As I say that, I wonder what kind of story have I been living? What has my life to this point said about who I am and what I believe?
I have always said that my life’s motto was “go big or go home,” yet I’m realizing that hasn’t always been the case. Sure it sounds great, but my actions have not followed that statement. I have allowed fear and insecurities to run my life and steer my choices. I’m not saying that I have not had adventures along the way. I am saying that 90% of the time I will choose what is comfortable and easy because of my fears. I liked to think I wasn’t afraid of much or that I didn’t have many fears, but about that changed about four weeks ago when God revealed that I was living in fear alone.
I had allowed myself to believe in a false freedom. My fears became a security and I would not do anything that remotely pushed the boundaries of those fears. Another way to say that may be: I became so terrified of failure and people not liking me that I allowed myself to become completely lost and buried beneath those fears. I was no longer myself. The Lord revealed a lot to me about my fears. Here is an attempt to share some of that revelation.
During debrief, my team and I had a tough conversation with World Race leadership. Towards the end of the conversation, I heard God speak the word “fear” to me. I thought it was a word for someone else, as God gives me from time to time, so I began to look around the room. I didn’t feel like He was guiding me to anyone specific, so I put the word aside. The next morning I heard the word again and this time I knew He was talking to me. “Fear.” But what was I fearful of? I am a man. I am not supposed to be afraid of anything, or so society has taught me for 27 years.
After taking time to think about it, God showed me that I was fearful a lot—I am not fully willing to trust and rely upon on the Lord. I realized I was living a story that avoided conflict and tough decisions. I avoided anything that could have possibly been outside of my comfort zone. I always choose the easy way or I would choose something that might have been difficult at first but then would quit right as it would get difficult. I always had a good excuse. At least, I thought I did. The truth is there’s such thing as a “good” excuse. It is a simple decision that will either propel us forward in our story or that will prevent us from moving forward at all. Let me give you an example:
For different reasons, my team has had a very difficult time bonding. We have not been a safe space for each other, and in short, we have not loved each other well. For me, as the team leader, this has been incredibly difficult. I have felt that it is my responsibility to fix the team and it is my responsibility for the emotional status of each member. This wore me out and because it was so difficult I was beginning to think that the Race could be easier if I was not a team leader. As I began to think this, World Race staff asked me at debrief (about four weeks ago) if I wanted to continue to be a team leader. This could be my way out. This could be the exit and avoidance of failure I was looking for. And it was offered to me freely! I didn’t even want to be a team leader to begin with because of my past.I feared that I would ruin friendships and people because of how I had previously chosen to lead. (I talked about that in a previous blog).
So at this point, I was given the opportunity to step away and take an easier path. I am not saying that God would not work in me if I chose the easier path, but the work He is wanting to do could potentially just take longer or look different.
As I was saying earlier, here was a decision that could propel me further into a potentially greater story or keep me where I have currently been and doing what I have always done…run when things get tough.
Donald Miller says in his book “A Million miles in a Thousand Years,” that “the more difficult the struggle, the greater the change in the character, and the greater the story.” I am not saying that my story is greater than anyone else’s in the world, but I am saying that in my personal story it will be greater with the harder struggle. Think about it like this: you have an option to sit on your couch and watch ESPN (something I like to do) or you could decide that you want to climb Mount Everest. What do you think would be a better story? I would not pay money to read about or to see a story about someone who sits on the couch. Why? Because the character is not forced to change and that to me is uninteresting. I would, however, find more interest in the story about a person who has never hiked, but decides he is going to climb Mount Everest. There is a lot more struggle with this story and the character is going to have go through a lot of change to get to the top.
That was the decision I had before me about being a team leader: stop being a team leader (continue sitting on couch watching ESPN) or decide to stay as a team leader (go climb Everest). I took a lot of time to pray about it and seek advice. Ultimately, I had to make the decision. No one else could make it for me even though that is what I wished for. I decided to stay as a team leader. More importantly I decided to face some of my fears. Just because I made that decision does not mean things automatically become easier. In fact, it feels like they have gotten more difficult. This struggle, these difficulties is the whole reason I came on the Race to begin with.
I came on the Race to change and to find who I am. Sure going to 11 countries and doing missions work is cool and sounds great, but to me that is just a bonus to being on the World Race. Donald Miller says that in order to have a good story the protagonist must go through a change. I decided to leave the life I had to change because I did not like the person I was becoming and I did not know who I was. I ultimately did not like the story that I was living. My story before the World Race and before this point did not match my desires for my life. My actions did not match my words. I would talk about how much I loved Jesus but my actions would say otherwise. I would say that I wanted to get rid of most of my possessions and become a missionary and travel the world, but I continually purchased more and more things and found excuse after excuse not to become a missionary. I would say that I was a Christian and that I loved God but my actions would say that I found my identity in going to bars and drinking way too much. My actions would say that my identity did not come from God the Father but from the women I lusted after. I was too afraid to be myself for fear that I would not be accepted for me. My identity was solely found in the job I had and my identity from the people I surrounded myself with.
Why was this this case? Because I did not fully trust God and I allowed my fears to hold me back. My life before the Race looked like me trying to please everyone else around me and not God. Who would want to read a story about a guy that manages a retail store and goes to bars to get drunk? Who would want to watch a movie about a guy that sits around his apartment watching TV for hours and hours wishing his life would change?
I don’t think anyone would want spend their time or money on stories like that. I am not saying this so people become interested in me or because my life is more important. I say this because I believe God wants us to live a great story. Why? Because we have nothing to lose if we have put our faith in Him. We can risk big and take huge chances because God will work everything out for the good of His kingdom. Romans 8:28. I am not saying go do whatever you like and God honors that but rather be free to live a life of greatness and adventure because God loves you so much and because you are seeking and loving God. I have the freedom in Christ to take chances and risk big. Why? Because I do not do things for the approval of those around me but I get my identity from a Father who risked His only Son so that you and I may have life with the Father forever.
You and I have to decide to choose that we want to live a great story. It doesn’t just happen to you. Every day I will have to make choices and so will you. Choices to fight for yourself and what you want because no one else will do it for you. Choices to do things outside of your comfort zone or not. Choices to follow Christ or not. Choices to be a man or a woman of your word. And maybe, the hardest choice of all, the choice to desire to change—to be transformed. The choice to live a great story. The choice is yours. I know what I choose.
This is not a dress rehearsal. There are no do overs. You get one life. You’re on the stage.
What type of story will you live?
Ephesians 4:1
“…I urge you to live a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God.”
