This month has been difficult. Difficult in that spiritual warfare has gotten the best of me. It has been a battle of exhaustion and frustration. Lots of times feeling very alone, a feeling that I hate. Being alone is not fun and for me it adds to the feelings of exhaustion and frustration. Being alone scares the shay out of me. Not that I don’t enjoy times to myself, but the idea that I could be alone scares me. I don’t like not being included or not knowing where I stand with those around me. Being around so many people, but feeling alone is probably the worst feeling.
So as you can read, this month was hard and frustrating. I would even find myself frustrated with Riley, the boy that I had a one on one with every morning, when he didn’t want to do anything or when he would just cry and scream for no apparent reason. I would try to do whatever I could. I tried to do whatever he wanted: hold him, carry him, whatever; but it never seemed to work. Most of this month has been spent with Riley just sleeping on me. That’s fine, it’s cute and adorable, but I want to help this child walk and be prepared for school. I want him to reach his potential and not settle. I want to do whatever I can to help this child accomplish the goals set for him: go to school, walk, etc. in the short time that I have with him. Roughly two weeks or two and a half weeks pass by of the same thing every day. Crying, screaming, fits of indifference. That is when Papa stepped in. Through this, I have learned so much more of the Patience Papa has with me, with us and He demonstrated it in the most tangible way, a way that only I could see. It might as well been big blinking neon road sign.
As I had said, I have been frustrated this month with lots of different things, but it could be seen in my one on one. Then one day Riley no longer had the same attitude. He no longer seemed apathetic to do things. He wanted to participate in pre-school. He wanted to smile and try things and have fun. This all happened on a day when I was probably at my worst. I didn’t want to go to my one on one. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to lie around and watch movies. If I had chosen to do that then I would have missed out on one of the best days here. Riley and I were playing a little bit and the whole time I was just thinking how tired I was and looking forward to a nap later or the chance to lay down. I was tossing Riley up and down and he was enjoying every minute, giving me a smile that only asked for more. Then all of a sudden he pointed to the ground. See, Riley is a two-year-old boy who doesn’t walk or talk. He chooses not to. He weighs about 12 lbs. As a two-year-old he is about as big as I was at birth. Our communication was very difficult because there was next to nothing. So he points, to the ground, I think o.k. he wants down. I begin to put him down, except this time instead of sitting him down on his bottom I for some reason put him on his hands and knees. Riley doesn’t walk or crawl, he scoots on his bottom. So putting him on his hands and knees is completely new, at least it was to me and him. He seems a little shocked at first. Not sure how to handle this new position. His muscle control is not all there, so his head struggles to stay up. After a short time of trying to decide if he likes this position, he finds his balance. Then the most incredible thing happened. He moved one hand forward followed by a knee… Collapse. He falls to the ground face planting on the floor. I get worried and prepare to pick him because something like this would usually turn into a long spell of crying and screaming and finding no comfort in anything. Not this time. He pushes himself back up. He finds his balance and moves one hand followed by a knee. Then the other hand, the other knee and soon it becomes right, left, right, left for a couple of feet. I am sitting there watching, amazed because this child never wants to do anything. Then I learned from his foster mom that he has never crawled before. My amazement turns into bewilderment, joy, and pride. Pride that a parent must feel when a child does something for the first time. This wasn’t all that took place this day either. Riley didn’t stop there. Riley began to use words! He was saying, “Hi, please, thank you.” And even put together a sentence with words and sign language. He said the nanny’s name then asked for water. The nanny was shocked and my state of bewilderment deepened. After he got hydrated, he pointed up. I said, “want to go up stairs?” He replied with a head nod, signaling “yes”. I told him to use his words, like I have tried so many times before, but this time it was different. It was not met with the usual blank stare, but instead a huge smile. Riley spoke through his beaming smile and says, “yes, please!” Signing the word for please. Over joyed, my heart, my mind, my body had no idea how to handle this. We get to the stairs to up and Riley points down and says please. I put him down on his hands and knees once more. What happens next is inexplicable. He begins to try to crawl up the stairs. This was me with some frustration on his end because he had to problem solve. He even tried the whole “let me cry thing” so I don’t have to figure this out. But I just kept assuring him that he was o.k. and that he can do it. All said with a big grin and joy beaming out of my heart. The “fit” never happened he began to try. Quickly trying became doing! He not only crawled up a couple of stairs but he crawled up two flights of stairs!!! Who does that? Who goes from not talking or crawling, to speaking sentences and crawling up stairs? He spoke and crawled. All month he does nothing but kick and scream then one day he crawls, talks, and kept asking for more.
In the midst of all this, Papa showed me that this is how He treats us, with unending patience. How many times have I kicked, screamed, and cried over not wanting to do something?
How about you?
Probably more than I would ever like to admit. But during all this, God did not write me off. He did not give up on me. He was consistent, steadfast. He is always there cheering me on, waiting for me to make a choice. A choice to be obedient, a choice to follow Him, or even a choice to not. Nonetheless, He is still there standing by waiting. Just like I was all month with Riley, even though I did not realize it. There were so many mornings I woke up and did not want to go. I didn’t want to go because it was the same thing every day, no change. I was frustrated, but something in me kept going every day. Patience and Persistence was shown to me in that stairwell, as Riley climbed. I pulled out my phone and began to record the whole thing. As I am watching and cheering, tears well up in my eyes and begin to stream down my cheeks. Overwhelmed with this picture of what parenthood, fatherhood may look like, but more pressing than that; overwhelmed with this picture of what Papa looks like. The most shocking thing is that He used me. God showed me his character through me, to me.
There are times I feel like I have it together and I get it all, but those are the times I miss the most. I miss the most of who God is and what He is teaching me. In this instance, He wanted me to see and to feel, to experience the very patience that He has for me. My story alone is filled with me fighting choices and making choices that bring me happiness, no matter how temporary. There have been plenty of times that I have just laid there throwing a fit like Riley, expecting someone to make the choice or to move me or to do whatever for me. Though that is not and never will be a reality. No ones will ever make the choice for me. The crazy thing in all that is that Papa is still there smiling, beaming with joy waiting for His son, or daughter, to make the choice. He not only gives us grace but He is unending patient with us. He never forces us, even though it would save time and heart ache. He waits. Cheering for me, for you, to the make the choice; to make the choice to crawl.
