My last blog probably seemed a bit selfish and awkward to most people who read it. In explaining the 10 reasons to support me on this missions trip, all of them were just about ME. There was no mention of Jesus or of how God has been working in my life or of how much I have enjoyed the church sessions, the time with my team, and the World Race in General. Instead, I wrote a blog about missing sex, beer, bacon, quality gyms, protein, and how much I enjoy playing with kids. Admittedly, it was intended to be funny and it was pretty honest. However, the reason my blog sounded more like a funding campaign for a local college fraternity than a Christian missions trip is pretty simple…
Instead of focusing on my team, God, building my faith, and strengthening my belief that Jesus Christ is our savior and loves us, I have done pretty much the opposite for much of this trip. I came on the World Race because I wanted to really know God and have a relationship with Him. Instead, I have spent the majority of my time arguing with the Bible, trying to point out what I see as inconsistencies, questioning Christianity in general, and focusing solely on myself. I believe it’s good to question your faith and look for answers. Some people believe blindly and are blessed with unwavering faith that Jesus is the Lord and Savior and the only way to heaven, that the Bible truly is the word of God as recorded by prophets and disciples, and that God answers prayer (within His will). Some people, like myself however, are not so easily convinced and either question some or all of the aforementioned Christian beliefs to some degree.
It’s not just Christianity. I question everything. I read books on politics, business, the future of technology, evolution, economic theory, leadership principles, strategy, and pretty much everything else… and I usually pick them apart and analyze them as well. I’m not sure whether it’s a good thing or just part of me trying to point out the loopholes in everything around me. As I’ve realized though, it’s as if I were a sophomore biology student and was trying to pose PhD level questions and thinking to my teammates. It’s unreasonable to think that everyone on this trip should be a well-versed theologian, capable of handling the most difficult questions and problems that I can throw at them. Likewise, for some reason, when I turn to myself, I find that I am more apt to argue against religion than for it. Another analogy I’ve used is that if I had a CD player in front of me, I would never bother myself with how it plays music and how a laser hits a spinning disc and floods my earphones with music through a couple of tiny wires. Instead, I just know it works and I don’t really care about how. Now, some of you may argue that the CD player is a physical object that you can see and feel right in front of you that provides tangible results, whereas religion is based completely on faith in things that may or may not be explainable by some other form of scientific phenomenon. I guess that depends on the person. Have I seen God move in my life or am I just incredibly lucky? I definitely prefer to believe that God is real and has a plan for me. Why do I need so much proof then? I don’t know.
All of this questioning has left me angry, disillusioned, and unfulfilled. I stopped reading my Bible almost entirely over the last couple of months and often feel more like I’m mocking God than really having a conversation with him when I pray. Obviously that’s made the Race difficult for myself and for my teammates. Prior to leaving for the Race, I did have a desire to change and find the relationship with God that I feel I am somewhat empty without. So, I have been trying to focus on the reason I wanted to do this Race in the first place and what I hoped to learn. I’ve tried to remember the emptiness and longing for a personal relationship with Jesus that I had while I was back in the States. It is still a work in progress, but sometimes you have to look backward in order to realize why you moved forward on your current path. I have been working myself out of that hole of despair and doubt over the last few weeks and it feels much better to believe in something and chase after it than it does to tell yourself that you don’t believe in anything and it’s not worth chasing. As far as I’m concerned, this life is an incredible chance to write your own personal story and author it in whatever way you’d like. Do I want an exciting adventure with a quest to find a loving and intimate relationship with God? Heck yes.
That leaves me to the second part of the problem that needs fixed: Selfishness. I have struggled with selfishness for a very long time. For New Year’s Eve 2013, my resolution was to “be less selfish” (as shown in the photo above, at the bottom of the sign I’m holding). I have been so focused on myself that I have become upset and unhappy with my team and the World Race in general. I’ve been more than a little disagreeable lately. As with anything in life, you can pick apart everything in front of you and look for the flaws. Or, you can choose to take stock of your situation, be thankful for everything you have, and promise to use each day as a gift. I know that I would definitely prefer to view each day as a beautiful miracle that I am in control of and can shape any way I want. The more I take the focus off myself and put it onto what I can do to help and serve others, the better I fell about myself, my team, the Race, and life in general.
In one of my blog posts immediately after training camp, I mentioned that I felt as if there was a dump truck parked on my chest. Whether you would call it an epiphany or a word from God, I realized something incredible the other day. If I am laying on my back with a dump truck on my chest, I can push and struggle and fight as much as I want but that thing is probably not going to move. Then, I imagined myself rolling over onto my side to help the person next to me, and as I did, the dump truck rolled off. I’d say that’s a word from God. I’m glad that I’ve realized this entire race is not about ME but rather it’s about my team, God, and building relationships. If you’re the praying type, then please keep that previous sentence in your prayers for me.
I’m sorry for the other blog post and for the visible frustrations I often have. I go back and forth between whether to write about what upsets me most of the time. I don’t really like complaining, but I’m a very external processor. I feel that transparency and honesty are a couple of the best qualities a person can have. Guess I’ll never have a career in politics, but that’s okay. My team may not always know exactly what is upsetting me or why, but they always have a pretty good general idea about how I’m feeling and what the source is. I hope that my blogs keep you abreast of what’s going on and how I am growing or being challenged spiritually. A good percentage of my time is spent on figuring out exactly that.
My next post will be about Vietnam. We are in Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon) where we are working in a Christian coffee shop and teaching English to children. It’s been a good month, although I may go broke with so many incredible markets around and with a $4/day food budget. Please keep my team in your prayers as we continue to work through our own issues while still trying to focus on God, each other, and the community/ministry around us.
God bless,
Dave
