There is an emotional dump truck parked on my chest. It’s been there for a very, very long time.
I’m not good at talking about it. Okay, so, I suck at talking about it and I suck even more at writing about it. But I’m going to try.
My biggest goal over the course of the next year is to really grow in my faith and to hopefully finally get out much of the pain that has been living inside me for so long. But there’s a problem.
It’s not that I haven’t tried. I have. I’ve done counseling, RX medications for depression and anxiety, I’ve done retreats, tried to drown it in booze (bad choice), ran from it (another bad choice), tried to fill it with women (really bad choice), tried to exercise myself to death in hopes of getting it all out, taken off on long solitary roadtrips and backpacking adventures around the world, you name it and I’ve probably tried it… correctly or incorrectly. And yet, it’s still there.
If there’s one thing that I’ve realized time and time again it’s that tears are the keys that unlock the pains of the soul. Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted”. Revelation 21:4 says “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away”. The problem is that I can’t just sit down and say “Okay dude, go somewhere and be alone and cry about stuff like a little girl so you can get it all out”. Doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. But it doesn’t. Instead, I just end up frustrated.
So, I turn to faith. But here’s the big problem: My faith is WEAK. Seriously weak. Like puny kid on the football team weak. I question everything in life, especially God. I have a very hard time believing in what I can’t see proof of. Yes, trust me, I know you’re quoting scripture right now about faith and believing. Doesn’t help.
What does help is seeing the faith of others and watching how God is working in their lives and realizing that I would love to be a part of whatever it is that they have that makes them so willingly able to follow the word and voice of God. (See, even that sounds weird to me “follow the word and voice of God”… what the heck does that even mean? I respect people who hear voices now?)… But, that’s exactly what FAITH is. If you’ve seen it, it doesn’t really require much faith, does it? Luckily, I am blessed with some of the strongest and most incredible people during this race and I look forward to learning from them and growing together with them.
So, that dump truck, the one on my chest, the one that I started this blog about… it’s still there. But, over the course of the last week, the emergency brake has been disengaged. I’m sure that will prove to be both a good thing and a very difficult thing, but I’m open to the challenge. So, please know that if you are following this blog, there are many interesting posts to come. And if you are supporting me on this race, God is going to do incredible things in my life and in the lives of those around me through you. Looking forward to it!
Next post: How I opened myself up to faith again
God Bless,
Dave
