I thought debrief was going to be a breeze. The team has been doing really well, we have been practicing healthy feedback on a regular basis, and we all like to iron out issues before they even become such.
Team debrief was, in fact, quite straight forward. No real challenges were presented and communication was easy and positive. I was relieved and decided to simply enjoy the remainder of my time in beautiful Kiev, Ukraine.
What I didn’t anticipate was having personal issues called to the surface. I didn’t expect to be challenged personally and to have my teammates and the coaches start ripping at some of my wounds. I didn’t expect to cry twice in two days and to be emotionally exhausted.
But I should have. Debrief is all about going beneath the surface, to dig out the root of a problem, and to allow true healing to begin.
One of the issues raised was that of my dreams. I’ve always been a big dreamer and have placed a lot of high expectations on my life. Most of these have been untraditional and are not what most mid-western girls are expected to desire. Unfortunately for these plans, God had other things in mind for me. He married off the girl who didn’t desire a husband and placed her in the one state she swore she’d never reside. She spent the years after college pining after impossible dreams and feeling that her life was a failure.
I knew that my desire for adventure had never been quenched, and have never been quite able to shake the sense that God had more for me that living quietly in Illinois. But I didn’t realize how deeply the wound of disappointed dreams resounded inside my heart.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13:12
To be truthful, I’ve spent the past several years of my life wishing for something different. I have felt that my life was a failure and that I’ve wasted my prime. That’s a really ugly statement but it’s truthful.
All of this unexpectedly came out during what could have been a simple conversation with my team. And it was rough.
“Each heart knows it’s own bitterness,
and no one can share its joy.”
Proverbs 14:10
But my team is supporting me and calling the truth out to me. My dreams have been disappointed and I can’t change that. I can’t go back in time and make my life something different. But I’m also still young. I can form new dreams, and now have a husband who (God willing) also desires something bigger in life. I have been reminded that my dreams need to be rooted in God. I should chase Him and accept the desires of His heart.
If I’m pursuing God with my whole heart, He surely won’t disappoint me.
This is certainly not a lesson that is fully learned or that I have finished processing. It’s a work in progress and is tough to accept. Disappointed dreams are deeply painful, but I needed to hear the encouragement necessary to let go of the past and look forward to the future.
And I have a Savior who has great things in mind for me.
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart,
but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
Proverbs 19:21
