Change is hard for me. As much as I want to deny it, I am a creature of routine, of habit. I like being able to predict things so that I always feel prepared. I like the familiar and am comfortable with regular scheduling. Change disrupts all of that. It creates the unfamiliar and forces you to adjust to new things. It often turns the predictable to unpredictable, meaning I can’t be prepared for the unexpected because it’s just that.
This change, this preparation for World Race, is becoming hard. Unfortunately, my response to change that is difficult or challenging is to hide my head in the sand and wait for it to pass. Surely if I can’t see the change take place, it didn’t really happen. Fortunately or not, that’s not the case in this situation. It’s too late. We’ve already given notice at our jobs. We’ve already shared with friends and family that we’re embarking on this magnificent journey. Most of all, we’ve already accepted God’s call to accept this life lesson. Yes, God is understanding and patient. Yes, He is full of grace and forgiveness. But we feel called to make this change. To fully learn what it means to trust Him and to follow Him. I’ve told people that I want God to break my heart on this trip; I want to really love people and to care about His creation. Now that I’ve made that statement, and am looking at our future, I think I’d like to take that back. Now I’m looking at the change and the heartbreak and I’m wondering if I’m ready, if He’s big enough. Sure, she’s just a cat, but I can’t imagine 11 months without my love. Sure, I have disliked Bloomington since the moment I decided to move here, but now it’s home. Yes, I have always talked about wanting to serve God and to share His love with people around the world, but I’m not so good at even doing that here. Ok, I complain about the random hours and poor pay at my job, but I like my coworkers and I like what I do. Of course God is big enough and can use me how I am, but I don’t quite believe that.
I guess right now I’m trying to be honest. I’m hiding my head in the sand and I need to look up and accept that this is happening. I’m overwhelmed by the changes that will soon be upon us and I’m looking downward so that I don’t have to face it. What does this mean? It means I need prayer. I need you to pray that Dave and I would really begin to look at this life change square in the face and to actually begin to prepare for it. There is so much to do to get ready and we’re still stuck on the idea that we’re going… eventually. I need prayer that I would look at these changes with excitement and anticipation – a reminder that this is what I’ve been saying I’ve wanted for so long. I need prayer to be strong so that I can be an encouragement to Dave. I need to stop looking at small obstacles and to look at the grand picture. God is good; He is faithful. He shows me this again and again, but it can be hard to see with sand in my eyes!
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
