the idol of being good enough…

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david wrote psalm 63 when he was in the desert of judah. i havent been taken out into the desert – even though that seems like the place God really woo’s his children throughout the bible and teaches them an awful lot – but i have put ten thousand miles on my car in the last eight or nine weeks. God’s not picky, he’ll take those hours too.

 

as i drove last night, i was impressed more than ever before to FEAR the Lord. i’ve heard dozens of sermons preached about fear of the Lord being “awe” of God or “reverence” for who He is. with all due respect, i dont know that people who teach that have ever experienced walking in the fear of the Lord. there is no other expression, apart from that simple phrase, ‘fear of the Lord’ that does it justice. it’s an awareness of His holiness coupled with an understanding of my sinfulness. it’s a desire for nothing more than everything david wrote above, while realizing how many other fickle and trivial things we desire and are pulled towards.

 

driving home from michigan last night – which is a story for another blog – allowed the Lord to speak into my heart. i’m in a pretty fantastic relationship with the girl i’m going to marry. but the thing that makes me so confident of that is because she pushes me toward God, which in turn, draws me closer to her. she doesn’t pull me toward herself, she meets me at the feet of Jesus. the scariest part of that relationship is that because of her, i have a stronger desire for personal holiness than ever before. its scary because it asks me to let God have his way – even if it costs me everything but Him. she is helping me understand grace in new ways, especially how grace is found in real love. true love. love deals with the mess because on the other side of that chaos is hope.

 

i’ve always been around people who struggled with ‘not being good enough.’ at the same time, i was always praised as being a great model. i had the opposite problem, i always was ‘good enough.’ or at least that’s the message i heard. “i hope my kids turn out just like you,” or “you are just gifted in the exact ways we need here,” or a million other things. i guess the question i was left asking was ‘good enough for what?’ the unfortunate answer is that i was good enough for people not to see my junk, and for me to not have to deal with it. don’t get me wrong – encouragement is good, unless it’s devoid of exhortation and accountability. where i needed to be challenged to grow into new giftings, or raise the bar so those children would walk in a deeper level of holiness, i was complacent and content. 

 

 but i have a holy discontent today. paul tells us that we’re supposed to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. God has been speaking a lot to me, reminding me that obedience to His Spirit isn’t an option. i often want to protect my image or what God has blessed me with up to this point, but that’s pride and that’s idolatry. the only way to do that is to quench the spirit, ignoring his promptings. and if i want anything other than Him, or let anything become more important than Him in my decisions, that’s a really scary thing. i love that david prayed ‘God, YOU are my God.’ nothing else held that place in His life.

 

i accepted his righteousness years ago, but in freely accepting that, i also accepted his sanctification, which costs me everything. it means that the liar in me needs to be exposed so it can be killed. it means the impurity needs to be revealed so it can be cleansed. it means my tongue needs the coal that touched isaiah’s lips. it means that light needs to be shined into the dark places. because freedom exists there. and gaining freedom through obedience isn’t manipulating God to action, it’s accepting and trusting his promises. its positioning my heart in a place where God can bestow the blessing and inheritance he intends to give to his children squarely upon me.

 

even though i’ve been worked over by God a lot this last year, God has more refining to do to prepare me for the call He is increasingly revealing in my life. i’m not yet made into the man who is ready to marry this girl, but God is actively making me into that man today so i will be ready. but that means exposing more junk. that means i need to die. if i’m dead and not worried about my image – and can really claim meekness – God’s going to give me an over abundance of himself. so i choose that today…

 

 

“failure didnt start with me. failure wont end with me. it’s a transit
point, not a final destination.” victor saad