this post goes out first and foremost to my friend Jeff Corbett. this is a conversation we began four months ago…and i’m still wrestling with it…
confession: i tend to read my bible in a very shallow way. i’ll try to explain. often i read it to understand myself, instead of reading it to understand my God. in and of itself, that isn’t a bad thing. the bible has more wisdom and insight by which i can gaze into my soul than any other source, but i think i miss most of that wisdom when i focus on myself instead of my God. tonight, through a group conference call, the Lord brought scripture to my mind, and ruined the way i had been reading it. i pray for the gracious gift of ruined theology if it means God leads me into truth…
the bible talks a lot about bearing fruit. (john 15. matthew 7. james 2. matt. 12:33. mark 4:20. and i could add a lot of other scriptures to this list). for a long time, i’ve read scripture and examined myself in the mirror of the way i thought Scripture measured me. james says that faith without works is dead. so, i argued, if i show people works, then by faulty logic, i assumed i was showing them my faith. i was wrong, i was showing them my pride. john 15 says that fruit declares to people that we’re disciples of God. so naturally, my desire is that people would see fruit in my life, and ultimately see the Lord. instead, they saw my humanity striving to create something only the Lord can give.
God’s heart for me has never been that i would seek fruit. fruit is not the goal. His desire is that my goal would never be anything except resting in His presence. and i’ll be honest, seeking his presence is hard! it takes humility to lay myself in full service and submission to the King of Kings. it takes honesty to come in repentance before the Redeemer and Reconciler. it takes surrender to give my life and will to the Way, the Truth and the Life. it takes brokenness to be transformed and renewed by the Creator. it requires a realization of weakness to become a vessel that demonstrates his Strength.
i think that part of the reason my faith has been so weak for so long is because i saught the wrong things. my dad has always stated that the kingdom of God is an “upside down kingdom.” it contradicts what makes sense in our minds, and contradicts our hearts – offering proof that our heart is decietful above all things. emphasizing the truth of this upside down kingdom, i saught things i thought to be good. but they were just things, not the Living God. i saught to be obedient to the Word – which is good, but comes naturally when i draw near to the Lord and allow his Spirit to lead me into all truth. i saught to be a worshipper – but worship is the natural response to the presence of God, not emotion or correct words. i saught to know the scriptures – when the truth remains that scriptures are the testimony of a living God that i have direct access to (and ironically, that scripture even teaches that without the Spirit’s help, found in the presence of God, i can’t understand it anyway…). i saught good things, but i saught them in exchange for the best of things. (to you kids in youth group, that’s exactly what Jeremiah was talking about, drinking from the toilet instead of the spring of Life…) i have been missing out on dwelling in the presence of the Holy, Pure, Righteous God.
and that truth breaks my heart because there, and only there, does the Spirit lead us into all truth. there, and only there, is God the God of ALL comfort. there, and only there, does satan flee from us. there, and only there, do we allow God to transform us into the holiness he needs to accomplish his purpose of redemption on this world. there, and only there, is fruit poured out through us onto a world that needs to be brought into the presence of Abba, Father. there and only there, does his yoke become easy and his burden light!
fruit isn’t what i want anymore. i want Jesus. I want my vision to be on Jesus, and as i dwell in His presence, in my humility, brokenness, honesty, weakness and surrender, he WILL pour out his Spirit to a world that needs to see Him. then, as he provides fruit out of my life as a gift and demonstration of His grace, i’ll be able to give back as an offering, the fruit the Lord has been gracious enough to produce through this small and weak part of the vine.
