When asked to be a team leader back in may, I had no idea what it would look like. I knew it would be hard but was not sure to what extent. I was not sure how to lead people. I had never done it before. Honestly the Lord had been working on me for a long time now. Even before the race I now see he was preparing me. There was a time that I just made sure I was taken care of. I had been a caring person and made sure people had what they needed, but I had gotten to the point where I did not see people worried about me. I began to not care if they were taken care of. Sounds harsh but true. When you get trampled over so much, you stop losing interest. So leading was not on my radar at all. Actually my previous team leader would ask if anyone would like to lead. I would be the only one who would not say yes. I did not want to have the responsibility. I believe I was just scared and had doubt’s, but when God wants you to do something might as well do it.
Now being where I am at now, I can see that I did not lose my caring ability or what I call a gift. I thought I was being hard but I was just blocking myself from being hurt or hurting others in the process. If my feelings were a mess, how could I possibly help others. Why would I care about others feelings or emotions. This was a process and God is still working with me. The true answer is that I have always cared and always will. This is just who I am. I would rather make sure you are well. With this being said, I have also learned and still learning to take care of myself in the process. I thank God everday for what he shows me and for his Love and Grace. Without these things I would be lost.
My experience as a leader has had some tolls on my emotions. Like I said before, I had no idea what I was going to do as a leader or how to do it. All I knew was the Lord wanted me to step up and do this with a big YES. I decided to be obedient and trust He would be by my side every step of the way. Let me tell you that he definitely has. All I asked was for me to lead like Him. Back in Montenegro the enemy attacked me so much with my emotions. I came to the point where I wanted to go home. For one week I felt so out of it. I would say I was good, but was really lying to myself. I did not know how else to put it. I figured I had to be strong for my team and be there for them. That is not how I felt though. I knew the enemy was attacking me but I let him and I do not why. I finally broke down one evening after my team had team time and I told them I was ok. I went outside and cried out to the Lord. I told him I wanted to go home. I told him I wanted to quit and leave everything. I wanted to quit leading and just worry about me and my own emotions. I told him I did not want to pray for them anymore. I was over whatever was going on with me which I could not even explain. I wanted to go home and be back in all my comforts and with my family. I had a very long conversation with God under the stars and breezy night.
Guess what? He was listening to me without speaking back. He was allowing me to be vulnerable with him and tell him how I really felt. It was like me the crying child in his arms while He hugged me and without speaking, making me feel the caressing of his arms and sweet love. The next day still feeling like I had been, God spoke to me. He pointed out that I had given the enemy too much credit and allowed him to take from me what was mine. My JOY! I allowed satan to take control of my emotions and not stopping him right at the beginning.
I soon realized the enemy was trying to make me go home because he was scared. He wanted me to quit. He is aware of the power and authority I have and did not want to see me moving forward. He knew that if I kept going on my race I would expose his lies. He was trembling at the the thought. I heard in worship one of those days “satan does not know your plans, but if he does he will do everything possible to stop them”. This was exactly what was going on. Satan is smart and will attack where he knows you are weak or hurts the most. Not anymore I told him. I got up and told him I was not going home. I was about to go into Romania where there was so much of God needed. I had work to do. Month one God has spoken to me through Pastor William and said that I would be used in the womens ministry in Asia. I had been waiting all this time patiently to see what God was going to do. Why would I quit then. Nope! Staying on this race. I said “I WILL continue praying for this team” as much as I did not want to at the time. I had done it since I first received their names and I would not stop now. God told me to lift my head back up. He was with me and He would fight for me. He told me it was not my job to change anyone but to love them for who they are just like he. i chose to love them for who they are. I may not know their hearts or minds but I know I am here for them. Instead of satan laughing, I laughed. I gave him to much of my time back then, but no more. I decided I was going to fight and finish this race stron
I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:14
I strongly believe enemy was attacking the team as a whole in Montenegro, but when we got into Romania I began seeing how God was moving. I really enjoyed seeing my teams smiles and coming together. As hard as satan was fighting, we were fighting harder. I was fighting harder for them. They may or may not see it but I can honestly say I love these guys. I really saw this during our parent vision trip ministry. We were all separated during one week and I missed them in way I do not know how to explain. I will fight for the team and be their prayer warriors. I will be there for them in the good times and the bad times. I will not quit on them nor give up. I am seeing them grow and am super excited to see where else the Lord will take them. I have always said we are all in this together and we can help each other in the process. Every single person is a leader.
9.Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But if someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
12. A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10,12
We have had minor team changes now since being in Cambodia but nothing changes because we are still family. Still here and not quitting. Team leading has had its hard moments and still not even sure what I am doing or how to do it, but I would not choose any other way. I will continue trusting in the Lord to guide me and let him lead me. I have grown so much and want to continue learning. This has been an experience I will not forget and even though I am still not sure what God is teaching me from this, I know this is all for good.
