10 Days of no technology, no running water, no heat, no comfort zone, no hiding, no rest, and no other answer but YES!
Towards the end of our time together in Georgia, we were handed a piece of paper that we were supposed to sign committing us to this journey of 11n11. As I read through it and prayed I looked around at the room reflecting over what had just happened over the last 8 days. In this very room, the training center, so much had happened that it’s hard to believe it was only 8 days!
The training center is where we had worship, sessions, team time, heartbreak, more tears than I thought humanly possible and then some, grace, forgiveness, freedom, love and more. Even as I sit here writing this blog I can picture this room so vividly:
I can remember where I was standing when I was able to forgive my brother.
I can picture where I was sitting when 40 plus women surrounded me in prayer after I shined light on the terrible lies that where going through my mind, thoughts of not wanting to be here in this world and thoughts of feeling so alone that I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I can see and hear the laughter that happened as we had a dance off, feeling so free to be the person God made me to be so that I could dance like a fool and have no care in the world. BTW Q sQuad rocked the dance floor!!
I remember being so vulnerable at times I couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth, things I had never shared with people and having it be so freeing instead of leaving it in the dark where the enemy wants it.
I remember sitting in sessions amazed as men and women of God talked about how they actually liked who they were, more than that they loved themselves, and that was a way they could love our Father, because He is in us and made us.
Guys… GOD DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES! It seems so simple but it’s such a radical truth.
Through prayer and being willing to sit in the hard places, God showed me some hard things. This is not going to be easy to share, so stay with me.
For years I have had thoughts of not wanting to be here, I have never put actions to those thoughts but they have always been there. At times they have been so subtle that I thought they were innocent, regular, everyday thoughts; I had come to believe that it was just me and the way I was made. And other times they were all I could think of, thoughts of wanting to be seriously injured or thoughts of would anyone care if I wasn’t here?
I would get so mad at myself because I would look at my life and see family that deeply cared for me, parents that showed me nothing but love. So how could I think of these awful thoughts!? The condemnation I was putting on myself drew me further in the thoughts of not being worth the love I was receiving.
With help from my squad mentor, we got to the root of when and where I started thinking these thoughts, I had no idea how far back these thoughts went. God showed me a picture of me on New Year’s Eve 2002, that means I was 7 years old.. I sat there crying at the realization I had thoughts of not wanting to be in the world since I was 7 years old. I was speechless. No wonder why I thought they were normal thoughts, they had been forming in my mind for the past 14 years!
What was super hard/ awesome was that I was given room to just sit in that hard place, without the ability to drown out the thoughts with Facebook or Netflix, I sat there with the space to accept where I was in that moment. To cry for that 7 year old Dara that believed she wouldn’t be missed. We asked God to shine light on where He was in that moment and because of what He showed me that memory is FOREVER changed!
As I sat in between to snoring parents watching the Space Needle go off in fireworks, wanting to be excited but not wanting to wake my parents. Instead of looking around wondering if anyone would notice if I was gone, I see Jesus dancing at the foot of their bed. Bringing in the New Year in style, making Himself look like giddy kid jumping for joy, just so that I would smile and feel free to be excited with Him. I can’t describe that image He showed me to its full extent, but all I can say is that He was there in one of my darkest moments and not only was He there, He CHANGED that moment in time. Now all I see is Him dancing and putting a smile on my face.
Yes I still have the lies creep in but now I know they are not my thoughts! They are thoughts of the enemy that is trying to kill, steal, and destroy any way he can. But I have a weapon that the devil will never have, I have always had this but I have never used it to its full extent. This weapon is the power of my tongue! “The tongue has the POWER of life AND death” Prov 19:21 The enemy wants to keep those thoughts in the dark spaces of your mind, where you let no one in. But there is power in the LIGHT!! Speaking out the lies and pouring in the truth. Let me tell you folks it is not easy!! Especially when there are more lies than truths in your mind. But I choose life and not death, I choose to take captive of every thought. I choose to look at myself in the mirror and say that ‘God does not make mistakes’ (Thanks Sara Lou) I may not feel it all the time but I choose to believe my feelings will catch up with the truth someday!
It’s a choice.
I have not liked myself for so long because of the thoughts I have had in my mind, but they aren’t my thoughts! My hatred was aimed in the wrong direction. So from now on I am choosing to love me. For so long I have wanted to fall in love with a man and live happily ever after, but now is not the time for that, a man will come later. It’s time to fall in love with myself and to see Jesus in me. Now is the time to love myself well, just as God loves me. I don’t mean this in a self-conceding way, but I’m finding out if I can’t love myself the way God loves me, how will I ever love others the way God loves them? I want to love others well, that is my passion and that is why I am leaving to tell the world that Jesus loves them, but first I have to embrace the love God has for ME.
My last significant memory of the training center was after signing that piece of paper, and hugging 55 people in a row. Smiling and committing to this journey God has for us. It was a lot of people and my checks hurt from smiling, but I wouldn’t have changed that moment for anything. I will always cherish what God showed me in that training center, but I know it doesn’t stop in that room, because church isn’t just a building, it is the people. We are the church. We are His chosen.
There is so much more I have to share about what happen at training camp but this blog is long enough! So if you have questions don’t hesitate to ask!!
