Can I just be real with you for a little bit?
It is painful to be called to higher places and a deeper walk with God. It hurts to push through the hard stuff and the heart ache to find who I truly am in Christ, to find my identity. It’s painful to be vulnerable, to be exposed, to bring lies and shame to the light.
Nevertheless, He’s worth it.
Growing up in a Christian home and going to church all my life I have come to know the Bible stories pretty well. I’m not much of a reader, so I took what people told me about God and ran with it. I would go through life waiting for those every once in a while moments where I would feel Him and where I could hear His voice. I would live off of other people’s passion about Him and pray that I would one day have that, and to be honest I thought I did. I had the idea that if that I acted right, went to church, and prayed enough that I would just end up like the people that I look up to. The people that are on fire for Jesus, that hear from Him and experience Him.
But God has called me higher than just knowing the stories, He has called me deeper than just going off what people have told me about Him and what I have seen. He has called me to have a personal relationship with Him, a deep, intimate, vulnerable, painful, and joyful relationship with Him. He has called me to the unseen.
People are very willing to share the good things and the blessings that come from God, and most are willing to share the hard stuff that has happened in the past, that God has brought them out of. But there are not as many that will talk about the hard stuff in the waiting. The time where we are in the midst of the trial and hurting waiting for God to come and shine light on the whole situation. The time in the middle of the growing, where we are getting hit left and right by the enemy and it just doesn’t feel like God is showing up. Where our identity is being tested and our truths are being overtaken by lies. The moments where you feel like you can’t even pray to God because shame has taken such a hold on you.
We wait to share until we can say ‘I have been there,’ instead of sharing when we can say ‘me too.’
Don’t get me wrong having those people in your life that can say ‘I’ve been there’ are super important! The people that have gone through the same or similar struggle already, give us a hope that there is another side. To pour truth into us even if we can’t believe it yet. Someone to help build the pool so that the water can have a place to stay; so that we can soak in the truth instead of just getting wet and having the lies dry us back up.
God has shown me some radical truths this past week or so that have rocked my world! The crazy thing is that there are all things that I have heard before, so why do they feel so different and hit me on such a deeper level than ever before? I was sharing this with my mentor the other day and she said something so true, “you have to build the pool before the water can stay in there.” Meaning you need the lay the ground work, the foundation before those truths can actually find a place to live in and not just visit every once in a while.
Let me tell you, the building the pool stage and in the waiting times are not sunshine and rainbows. They can be dark places where it is painful to bring the light into. But I have come to find out those times of pain, vulnerability, and heart ache, welcoming those in instead of running in the other direction, brings the growth. And when I say welcome, I don’t mean a ‘Hi welcome have a seat, I’ll make us some tea and get cozy so we can get started with all this pain and deep stuff’ welcome. I mean a boxing match welcome, being willing to step in the ring when you feel like you have nothing and have so many doubts in yourself and maybe even in God too but you fight anyways.
So, here am I saying, ‘me too.’
This season of growing deeper and more intimate in my walk with God has been tougher than words can express. At the beginning of this process I thought I would just grow more and more in love with God, find ways for Him to fix me and He would make me more whole, the end. The true story is that I feel the most broken I have ever felt. Somedays I feel so broken that it is hard to even speak, it’s hard to stay present, it’s hard to not doubt the process, and it’s easy to think that God isn’t showing up.
But in the waiting God has shown me some truths that give me a breath of fresh air. God has shown me that I can’t do anything that would change His opinion of me. He has shown me that He knows I’m flawed, He knows that I am broken, but NEVERTHELESS He loves me still. He has shown me that my identity comes out of the fact that He is well pleased with me and not towards it. That His love is not the fruit of what I do but the ROOT of who I am.
The thing is these truths didn’t just come over night. These truths took a fight that I couldn’t fight on my own. The fight was brutal and painful and still is. It takes inviting God in even when all I can do is speak His name because it hurts to do anything else.
It took pain to reach the joy.
As much as I dislike the waiting, the heart ache, the feeling of utter brokenness, I am thankful for it and I think it’s a beautiful thing. I get to know Him more and His strength shines through my brokenness
My encouragement to you is to share the hard stuff, to invite people in and be vulnerable with them. I pray that you would have the wisdom and discernment to know who to share with and how much to share. Trust the Spirit inside you when you are inviting people in and allow God to do the work.
“16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
I have been called to fix my eyes to the unseen, I believe you have too.
