Sorry it has taken me so long to write another blog! I will get better at post more blogs, I promise! I’ve been trying to write a blog for a while now and nothing has really come to mind. I’ve been getting a little frustrated with God lately, because every time I ask what He wants me to do or where He wants me to be or who He wants me to pray over, all I have been getting is, “just be.”
The first time I heard that from God was when I was on a plane ride home to see my family, so I was like, great I don’t have to do anything extra or be ‘on’ the whole time I can ‘just be.’ But after about 2 weeks of every time asking the Lord, trying to be intentional with my time, He kept saying, ‘just be.’ I kind of started feeling like I was missing something, that I wasn’t hearing Him right or that I was just being lazy and taking the easy way out. I started to get angry with God.
I’ve been feeling for a while now that I can clearly hear God when I’m with other people and when it is for someone else, but when I am by myself it’s been really hard to connect with Him and to just sit with Him and hear His voice.
I’m not going to lie, all squad month was pretty tough for me, first I was hard to leave because I wanted to connect with more people on a deeper level and I knew I was going to miss a lot of those times to connect. But secondly it was hard because I saw my introvert side come out way more than I have ever seen before. I had just come from a month where quiet time with the Lord was awesome and becoming more of a routine, but this month added 57 more people with almost no place to escape to. I kept getting frustrated with myself not spending time with the Lord and not fighting for it as much as I should of but still every time I brought it to Him I got, ‘just be.’
Was I missing something? I know I need to spend more time in the word and with Him but why ‘just be’?
Even now as I’m writing this blog I’m figuring out the meaning behind this past month and the growth He had for me. He’s showing me a few things:
- That I don’t have to do anything or bring anything to the table to worth something, that I can just be me because the Holy Spirit inside of me is enough. I am enough without having to do anything extra. Now that truth is still fresh and hasn’t totally sunk in but when I does, and I’m believing it will, it will be a radical truth that will change my life! Lord willing!
- The things the Lord has been having me pour into others are also true for me. That’s a hard one for me to wrap my head around. For so long I have believed that if I was just someone else things would be better, if I just was someone else the Lord would speak to me or love me more. But that’s not true! I am His dwelling place, He chose to rest in me because I am worthy of His presence and love and so are you! I don’t have to earn that I can ‘just be.’
- I know there will be more things to come out of this but the last thing that has really stuck with me was during my inner healing prayer session. I won’t go into depth about what all God showed me but I will share this one thing; He took me back to the softball field, I have been feeling a lot of emotion towards softball lately (I will write a blog about that soon). While we were praying God showed me this image, I was standing behind the plate with all my gear, the field looked familiar, I think it was Colorado State. I felt the anxiousness I started to get badly my last year of playing, the feeling of out of control and not wanting to be there anymore. And then I took my focus off the field and off the game and looked to what was in my hand, it seemed to be this ball of light, it brought so much peace and security that I haven’t felt on the field in a very long time. God showed me that the ball I was holding was the Holy Spirit. It brought a whole new outlook on the phase, ‘just be’ I literally just stood there and held Him in my hand. One of the main reasons I loved catching was that you can see everything from where you are standing, but God also shared with me the other perspective, that everyone can see you. I’m not one that likes the spot light so usually that would bring anxiety or make me want to run away but this time I just kept focusing on Him, the Holy Spirit and I had a peace that I can’t explain, that they weren’t all looking at me but at Him, and the light He is inside of me. I didn’t have to do anything I just had to be.
I was getting frustrated because I wanted to do more, which isn’t a bad thing! I think we should daily be asking God what He has for us today and be checking with Him if we are in His will or in our own will. But I had to also ask myself was it for His glory or for my own? Was I wanting to do more to feel like I mattered, was my identity found in my works? I have to put my flesh aside and make a choice to not be controlled by my feelings and to be driven by the love of Christ, because it all comes down to love! As most people can agree it is not easy! It is a constant battle, but don’t be discouraged because you have to continually fight, be ENCOURAGED because that means you are fighting for yourself, you are fighting for eternal life.
The great thing is sometimes all God is asking you to do is JUST BE.
What is He telling you today?
