WHAT A DAY.
Yesterday, my team and I said goodbye to most of the staff that we have been working closely with for the month. Our goodbyes were a little different than we expected; this time they were actually the ones leaving, heading to a conference out of country. As we stood on the steps outside sending them off, it felt backwards. It was weird to be saying goodbye to people that you’ve grown to love in such a short amount of time, knowing that it’s possible you may never see them again until Heaven.
As I was talking with a couple of the girls about leaving and how hard it is to leave these people that we have become so close to, I realized that it feels different for each of us. For a couple of them, it’s really hard. For the others, maybe they came in to this whole thing knowing this will be a repetitive thing in the next year… 11 times to be exact. Investing deeply in relationships with strangers and then leaving in 4 short weeks.
Then, I thought about myself.
Did I build relationships with them? Yes. Did I leave a lasting impact on somebody that in one way or another reflected Jesus? I hope so.
I shouldn’t compare, but when I was talking to my teammates and seeing how they were dealing with everything, I realized that I am weirdly good at saying goodbye. At first I didn’t think much about it… and then I had a 1 on 1 check in with one of my Squad Leaders, Drew. Of course we went through a couple questions that kind of just “beat around the bush” and then one question changed everything. To be honest, I couldn’t even tell you what exactly it was, but it brought up some things from deep down in my heart that I didn’t even know still existed.
I had a realization:
I put up a wall around myself that only allows those in who I know aren’t going anywhere. Over the years, “goodbye” is something that I have had to be good at. I have created a shell to protect myself from getting too close to those who have hurt me, or left. I have had to be tough… blocking out emotions and trading them for the “nothing bothers me” persona. What I didn’t realize as I was doing that, is that I was only damaging my heart.
Over and over again I would bottle up emotions, not ever giving them a chance to truly be let out. Shoving them to the deepest parts of my being one by one, they built up.
I was reminded that the Lord doesn’t let you deal with things like this until you’re in the right place spiritually as well as physically and emotionally. He wants us in the perfect place to finally acknowledge their existence, to understand that they are emotions that are worth being healed.
I realized that the foundation of this wall was built years ago out of a place of feeling abandoned, out of a place of anger and hurt.
Piece by piece, the wall grew taller, giving me the idea that if I showed I was hurting, I was weak. That if I didn’t just push through and “fake it till ya make it”, I wasn’t strong. PLEASE hear me when I tell you that these are LIES.
With some insight and wisdom from Drew, I realize that VULNERABILITY and AUTHENTICITY do not show weakness, but instead show STRENGTH. They show COURAGE. They show BOLDNESS.
In my times of weakness, I can cast them upon my Heavenly Father. Thats where I find my strength.
“Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.”
Psalms 55:22 NLT
