Preface: No I am not homesick. I am not longing to be home just to be home. I am longing to be home because I feel as though it may be easier to grieve there, rather than grieving alone from South America.
Also, this blog isn’t coming from a place of full understanding. I am still processing and this is an outlet I have chosen to use to think. I am walking through this currently and still do not have all the kinks of grief figured out.
Dealing with grief is something I have never really known how to do. I am not the best processor when it comes to unexpected tragedy. With that, I also don’t know how to be the best comforter for those who need to grieve. Grief counseling was never on the course syllabus, so how am I supposed to know how to handle it?
Earlier in my trip, I heard news of an unexpected tragedy in my college town. Hearing news of a death days later and from Facebook is not exactly how I want to be handed my information. That’s exactly how it was delivered from the circumstance I am in, however, and I cannot change that circumstance. So there’s the first battle of grief on the field; Hearing the news from miles away. Often you’re going to find out late. You might find out over social media. Maybe from a Facetime call that you never expected would bear such news.
I’m going to tell you it’s not easy. It’s not easy when you find out at the beginning of your two-hour bus ride to the largest market in Latin America. It’s not easy when the first time you have Wi-Fi in a week brings the news of death.
My advice now: allow yourself to feel at that moment. Don’t let your Saturday plans stop you from feeling the pain you need to feel. Cry the whole bus ride. Take the time to feel what you need to. Press into the emotions that you NEED to feel.
Another battle will be wanting to push your feelings deep down inside and to power through with daily tasks. I’m also going to tell you that it’s easy to shut it out. It’s easy to occupy yourself with other things when you have ministry five days a week. I told myself that I needed to stay busy, keep my mind active so I wouldn’t think about it.
My advice now: Don’t run to other things to fill your time. Run to the Father and he will allow you to grieve. He is the God of comforting, not placing you in comfortable situations, but with that said He WILL take care of you. Take a day to process, be able to sit and grieve however you know best. Nap, cry, watch a movie, talk to the Father, just take the time YOU need.
Last battle I want to talk about is that feeling of “maybe if I was home it would be easier to cope”. It’s easy to want to be home. You want to feel as if you are surrounded by a community of people all going through the same thing. You’ll want to grieve with the people at home and you will long to be home.
My advice now: It’s okay to feel like that and it’s okay to express it. However, you were created for such a time as this and you are meant to be EXACTLY where you are. The Lord’s plan for you is far greater than anything we can imagine and He desired for you to be away from your tragedy at this time. Even though you may not be surrounded by a community grieving the same thing, you are never alone and He has not created you to go through life alone. Press into Him.
Grieving is messy, it hurts and it’s not something I would have planned on having to go through so early in my race, but He has never left my side through this process of learning how to grieve. I don’t have all the answers and some days it hurts way more than others. I still long to push my feelings away, keep myself busy or I cry wanting to be home. He is walking me through this and making me strong.
Here’s a text that describes what God is doing at home and in my life:
(Message from my college roommate, Hannah)
“hi I don’t know if you have wifi today but we got back from the memorial not long ago and I just want to encourage you that Jesus is doing amazing things here with this otherwise terrible thing. His mom spoke today and first of all, she is a warrior. a real-life warrior and the whole family is an army fighting back against what the devil is trying to say to them about defeat. they are not defeated. Jesus won the battle within Him even though it cost his life. The family knows that and now thanks to His mom’s speech, we know that too. an entire community that was grieving came together this morning and instead rejoiced and worshipped and the fighting continues with a student worship tonight. “Satan has no idea what he just brought upon himself” (quote from His mom) . and I hope that me saying these things doesn’t make you feel worse about not being here, I mean for this to be an encouragement because if God is doing incredible things here through a tragedy in a place that wasn’t supposed to need it, imagine the beautiful things He’s working on doing in your life as you spend a year on mission. I know that this is so hard to be away for and that it is bad timing because you just got there, but dan, let this be FUEL to your fire for the lord on mission, don’t let it bring you down too much. God is a good God, and you wouldn’t be away from us during this time if you weren’t meant to be. remember that you were never supposed to be in Savannah for this. God knew you would be in Ecuador and that is how it is meant to be. His mom has appointed the song “Rescue by Lauren Daigle” to be His song and I hope you can listen to it and feel a sense of peace from the Lord that everything will be okay. I love you so much danielle. you’re doing amazing things, don’t be discouraged, sweet friend.”
Thanks God, that your comforting love is so present where I am, and where I wish I could be.
Thankful that I have friends that point me higher and remind me of the mission God has destined for me.
Thankful that even when tragedy hits, God still does miraculous things with our grief.
