Today i’m really struggling.
Let’s be real, I have been struggling for a while. I got accepted to the race almost a month ago, and I was stressed. I am still stressed, God. I am a first year in college, you don’t take a gap year once you’ve already started? what are you thinking danielle?
I am continuously asking for clarity. Absolute abundant clarity of where to go next, what to do from here. A yes or NO. I feel like I haven’t gotten it. I feel like i am constantly in a state of worry. Am I not listening to the signs? Am I ignoring them? Is this even something for me to be worried about?
It was so clear, so perfect. You set it up so I would be able to stay on track for school and graduate in my expected graduation year. You made it so I could still intern and gain field experience before I would embark to this calling of “go”. You even gave me a friend, a companion who felt the same calling. A sense of comfort in something so drastic and so asking of my seemingly normal life. I was secure. Where did that security go?
I am worried. I will not have as much experience as my peers when I come back to school and no architecture firms will want to hire me because I am behind. What if i can’t take classes this summer and stay on track for my bachelors? I have deadlines. And now my companion, the only person who I felt like understood my servant heart of recklessly abandoning everything I have to say yes, was declined the opportunity to go. My little sense of comfort, vanished in the blink of an eye.
Are these signs of the enemy? Are these signs of my personal fear? Are these signs of no? Are these signs of still yes because if not, you are still good and are CONSISTENTLY good even in all my worries and doubts?
As I sit here and type my word vomit prayer, I know I am not the only one. I know I am not alone out at sea but you have cast me into a world of others who have this tug of war game raging inside their heart.
But God, I trust you. Like I always have.
I know your plan is perfect, I know you work everything for the good of those who love you.
I would be lying if I said I was ready.I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I would be lying if i said i wasn’t doubtful. I would be lying if I said I wanted to go right now.
But I know you, and I know your heart. You are good father, and I am so thankful that you have given me the two most amazing decisions to choose from. I am thankful I have a choice, even though you have predetermined my life. I am thankful to feel drawn to you in ways that others don’t. Thankful you break my heart for what so deeply breaks yours.
I will continue to pray for answers. for clarity, but for now, thank you for leading me to consider your possibility of gap year for my life. Thank you for giving me the courage to apply and be obedient in that. I know your ways are higher than mine, and I thank you for having control over my life because if that was in my hands I would be in some serious trouble.
open my heart and eyes to see your direction.
a prayer for those struggling.
a prayer for clarity.
a prayer for the world race.
