Can I just start by saying WOW! I’m dumbfounded that we’ve been back in America for almost as long as we were gone. 361 days! (Hold on. Let me say that a little louder for the people in the back.)
THREE. HUNDRED. SIXTY-ONE. DAYS!
(Enter Neil Patrick Harris mind blown GIF here.)
Now strap in and bear with me through this final blog, as I write with a thankful heart and a face FULL of messy tears…
This year has been full of a ton of ups and downs and filled with grace around every corner. To be honest, with the exception of the whole living out of a backpack thing that I was totally over, I DREADED coming back to America. Not because this country isn’t full of places and people that I love, but because I had grown so accustomed to the adventure that MADE me rely on God and God alone. It felt like a sacred space that I wasn’t going to be able to find in the midst of the complexities of life here in America. Nonetheless, this is my reality, and I’m doing my best to embrace it.
Since being “home” (whatever that means anymore) I’ve gone through the deep, deep trenches of the messy reentry process, and to be honest I’m still going through them. Some stories still feel too sacred to tell to those who didn’t walk through it with me. So to those of you who have patiently listened as I’ve told and retold the same stories, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your patience means the world to me.
This year has looked nothing like I had hoped or imagined. I’m simply working like a maniac and just trying to keep my head above water. I don’t know how many of you out there have ever tried to recover from a year without income, but let me tell you, it’s no easy feat. So to those of you who gave finances in order to fund this journey of partnering with Jesus around the world, there are simply not enough thank you’s to quench my gratitude for your selfless gifts.
The Lord has given me a vision for this current season I’m walking through because he knows me, and he knows that there is no way I could get through this without a vision of something more for the future. That vision is to get out of student loan debt so that I can get back on the mission field. Even being able to say that sentence out loud speaks volumes for how far I have come since the Race. First of all, debt used to scare the Holy water out of me. Now, I’m just determined to get out from underneath it. Second of all, did you catch that part where I openly admitted that I was going to be in full time ministry/missions?!? Yeah, that means I have let my dream of being in the music industry go. Though I will always cherish music because it is what brought me to the Lord, and I will forever love learning about the science behind sound, because it is what led me to Asbury, I see now how the Lord works in VERY mysterious ways. (That’s an extended story for another day. Let’s grab coffee and chat about it sometime.)
I came back to America 361 days ago with a hopeful heart, a changed worldview, and $43 to my name. Thankfully I have a mom who is a legitimate super-human, and an incredible support group who helped me find a cheap roof to put over my head so that I could move back to Kentucky quickly to restart the same job I was at before the race. So to the friends and family I still have not seen since being home, please accept this genuine apology. I promise to make a better effort to come back to Indiana to see you all.
I am forever thankful for my team at Dick’s Sporting Goods. Thank you for supporting me before I left for the race, and for welcoming me back with open arms upon my return. This world needs more teammates and management like y’all. People who listen to all the random stories they never asked to hear, and in turn ask the most obscure questions about life experiences. Managers who don’t judge you no matter how many times you end up in their office in a pile of tears because you just can’t take being chewed out over yet another expired $10 coupon when your entire budget to live on per day in the pervious year was that exact $10 (food, shelter, and transportation). Thank you for being there, for showing grace while I fell apart, for helping me put the pieces back together in an even stronger way, and for giving me the opportunity to grow and fail along the way. {Now let’s go kick some butt and take some names this holiday season.}
I have also begun a second job nannying for a precious family. I love those kids so much and I am so blessed to have the privilege to be welcomed into their lives, to care for and guide them while their parents are at work. They have been such a blessing to me in this season, and I look forward to watching them grow and learn as long as the Lord allows me to do so. In loving on these and other precious little ones the Lord has brought into my life both on the field and since returning home, I have learned on an even greater level just how deep the Father’s love is for each and every single one of us. The phrase, “You will never look into the eyes of someone God doesn’t love,” has taken on a whole new depth for me. So to all of you who have welcomed me into the lives of your children, thank you. I am truly honored.
While there have been a lot of struggles trying to fit back into life in America, there have been a lot of joys too. For example, right now I am sitting in my very own apartment freshly decorated with my very own Christmas tree! I am blessed to be part of a community of people who love each other for all that we are. I know without a doubt that if I ever need anything there is a minimum of 10 other people I can reach out to at any time to fight for me in the hard and rejoice with me in the good. I am part of a youth ministry with students whom I adore and I am completely humbled to be asked into their lives. I keep a journal with a list of all of the students I have had a privilege of journeying with and as that list continues to grow, I continue to find myself more and more in awe at the power of God and the influence he calls his children to walk in. So to all of my students past, present, and future, thank you for inviting me into your lives, and allowing me to be part of the team of people who gets to fight with you and for you for life. I don’t take that lightly. Know that you are covered in prayer and that I am always here to listen.
……………………………………………………………………
Now, if I’m continuing this honesty train, I have to admit something to you, my friends. . .
Since being back in America, I have let fear rule many of my decisions, and I have failed at doing many things I have felt led to do because I have been operating out of said fear.
– I am afraid of failure.
– I am afraid my dreams may never come true.
– I am afraid I will never be married or have children.
– I am afraid of being in a position of ministry because I feel under qualified and I know for a fact that I will fail.
– Most of all, I am terrified of disappointing the people that I love.
So, I cannot sit here and promise that I will never make another decision based on fear again. I cannot tell you that finally embracing the call to ministry that the Lord has placed on my life means I am completely fearless in the pursuit of it. However, I can promise that I am pursuing it. I can tell you that I need your help to be brave. I need you to call me out when I am struggling, and I NEED you, my dear friends, to step out and do the brave thing the Lord is asking YOU to do. More than my need, though, the Kingdom needs you to do the thing, to pave the way, to start the conversation, to give the money, to pray unceasingly, to do the one thing you told the Lord you would never do. (India, anyone?! Nope, just me. K. Cool.) I don’t know what your thing is, but I do know that if we all do it together, if we all commit to saying the next brave yes the Lord places in our path, then it will be just a little bit easier because we know we’ve got each other to lean on. That’s community, and that, my friends, is Kingdom.
So, no, I cannot wrap up this two and a half year journey with a pretty little bow and call it good. I will keep unpacking it little by little for as long as it takes. In this crazy season of little sleep and no free time, I will stay committed to the goal of getting out of debt so that I can once again be back in full time ministry/missions, wherever and whatever that looks like. Thank you for sticking with me through this mess of thoughts to attempt some sort of summary, and thank you for your support and prayers thus far. Trust me when I say I have felt every single one of them. I couldn’t have done the race without each of you, and I cannot do life now without you either.
Hopefully one day, I can return to this blog with a big announcement for my next step in life/ministry/missions, but for now, I leave you, dear supporters, with this mess of words, thoughts, and anxious tears as I continue to ask the Lord the tough questions, figure out life in America, and do my darndest to live a life in fearless pursuit of the Lord. Thank you, for being my community, for challenging me, for encouraging me, and for supporting me endlessly. I look forward with great anticipation for what the Lord will do in each one of your lives in the future. Now, go, get up and impact the kingdom in the best way you know how each and every single day. I promise to do the same.
I love you all,
Dee
