I am back in Gainesville, Georgia preparing to launch for another Adventures mission trip.
God has taken me back to some challenging yet incredibly intimate places. At my training camp we had a night around a bonfire; I remember being terrified and extremely convicted… I knew if I was going to go on a life changing journey with these people I had to tell my squad that I wasn’t a virgin. 47 people sat in a circle and covered me with love and prayer as I shed tears of freedom. Although I experienced a great deal of weight lifted that night my struggle with sexual sin was far from over. I went home and continued sleeping with my boyfriend. The shame from the sin piled back on my shoulders. I was so mad at myself; I just experienced God like never before and promised that I was done having sex until I was married and I couldn’t even go one night without sleeping with him. I felt disgusting and far from worthy to go on an 11 month mission trip to share the great love of Jesus with the nations.
A couple things you should know about me, 1. I hate public speaking! 2. I have lived the majority of my life thinking strength came from not crying or showing emotions (God completely stripped me of this on the world race; there is so much strength in vulnerability!) The female leaders were asked if anyone would be willing to talk about their struggles with sexual sin on gender day at the Ambassadors training camp. Immediately I knew I was supposed to but ignored it and waited to see if God would lead someone else to share. For the next 24+ hours God spoke loudly to me through my gut, not the most pleasant form of hearing from him but it sure is effective. Although far from excited I knew what I had to do, abide and follow him where he was leading me.
I decided to pray over the room and all the 50 some teenage girls who were about to surround me as I shared my sin and shame. I am not sure what happened but I fell to my knees and tears flooded my cheeks.
I confessed to God, “I cannot do this!”
He responded, “Yes you can because this isn’t about you!”
I stood up took a deep breath and watched the young, beautiful faces enter the room.
For the first time ever, I publically shared my journey of sexual sin in detail. My virginity was an idol, I thought that it was the only thing holding me to God. Once I lost it, I felt completely disconnected from him. I told them of the times I fell and the pain and guilt that came hand in hand with my sin. I am quick to forgive those who’ve hurt me but slow to forgive myself. God opened my eyes and showed me I struggled letting go of my sin because I was tightly gripping the shame. As I surrendered, God cut the shame that entangled me. Temptation may come but God’s love and Holy Spirit inside me is stronger.
After I finished speaking my arms were filled with a stunning 17 year old. She was balling in my arms. God reminded me, “This isn’t about you!” We both released tears of freedom. She revealed to me pain and struggles that she had never told a soul before. I saw God bring her so much healing and freedom. After we finished talking she went and invited her team into her past hurts and shame. If bringing my darkness and shame into the light was just for her, I’d do it a 1000x over again.
We are not defined by our pasts, presents, or futures. We are not what has been done to us or what we do. Our identities are found in God alone. Because of God’s great love, grace and sacrifice we are free, we are new, and we are sons and daughters of King Jesus!
John 1:12 and 2 Corinthians 5:17
