“To love all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis
As I sit here drinking the coffee my dad made for me (he knows my love language is coffee), I’m trying to figure out how to describe my time in Georgia. Training camp was the longest 10 days of my life. Training camp was physically exhausting, mentally draining, and spiritually breaking, but it also rocked my world in the best way possible.
PHYSICALLY
Travel takes a lot of physical stamina. Bodies take a beating when they are thrown out of their time zones, familiar foods, and sleeping environments. Training camp gave us a glimpse of what is to come physically over the next year!
- Food: We are accustomed to having what we want, when we want. If I’m craving something, I can throw it in the grocery cart or jump in my car and go get it! Training camp eating looked a little different. We ate rice for breakfast. Then we ate some more rice. We ate crickets for breakfast. We ate cow stomach for lunch. We shared plates and ate with our hands on the ground. BUT. We learned to share our resources and be grateful for every meal that provided us energy for the day!
- Heat: News flash, Georgia is hot. Sweating through clothes in 5 minutes is a real thing. Want to escape the heat? Take a bucket shower! A 5-gallon bucket of cold hose water does the trick! Want to escape the heat in the middle of the night? Lay on top of your sleeping bag and try not to move. BUT. We learned to appreciate cool breezes, the post-bucket-shower clean feeling, and air conditioned sessions!
- Sleep: Beds and quiet sleeping spaces are luxuries. At camp, we shared tents, slept in an “airport”, shared bigger tents, and slept under a tarp in the woods. BUT. Tent cities are a fun way to socialize and if you’re tired enough, you can sleep just about anywhere!
- Exercise: We had 7am workouts. We hiked. We danced. We carried people on our backs. And we hiked some more. One thing is for sure – as you’re climbing the 5th hill, you start to question everything you thought you “needed” to pack! BUT. You learn to push and encourage each other to work hard and finish a workout as a team!
Emotionally/Spiritually
Here’s the thing. As challenging as the physical aspect was of Training Camp, it was nothing compared to the work the Lord did in my heart in just 10 days. When you take away the comforts of home and the familiarity of loved ones, He speaks. One thing He showed me was that I have been living with strings attached. I haven’t given the Lord control fully. I haven’t processed pain and emotions fully. I haven’t loved others fully. I haven’t forgiven fully. When strings are attached to control, vulnerability, love, and forgiveness, I can’t experience the full freedom and promises the Lord offers through His redemption and grace. I’m missing out on a part of the story.
- Identity: Before Training Camp, I had been listening to what the world said I was. People have expectations of us, and we start to believe them and compare ourselves to what people say we should be. We become affirmation addicts. We say, “I am not capable of doing this. I am not “good” enough for God to use.” Training camp allowed me to reflect on who God says I am. I am His daughter. I can put on the identity of confidence, boldness, joy, love, and kindness. He doesn’t call me to go on the World Race because of ME and MY abilities. God has given each of us unique gifts to advance His kingdom. I just need to be obedient and rest in HIS sufficiency.
- Vulnerability: We are in a relationship with an emotional God, so to shut down emotions is to shut down a piece of me that God entrusted to me. God can heal us, but He will only do so if we invite Him in. He doesn’t intrude. My God is so much more loving and intimate than I allow myself to receive. When I don’t allow others to see how God is working through my pain, I don’t allow them to see the beautiful love and healing power that He has over my life. We need to fight against the judgmental thoughts and shame that we put on ourselves, and remember that God’s primary objective is to LOVE us. As much as we like to think that missionaries have it all together, that is DEAD WRONG. The beauty is found when we allow God to shine through our brokenness. When we are vulnerable with our hearts, we can live out of the Lord’s strength: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your WEAKNESS.” [2 Corinthians 12:9]
- Community: Community can be so hard to find, but so beautiful when it is found. I discovered at Training Camp that I have a fear of real, raw community. Over and over at camp, I was reminded to lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord. And also in my community. In times of chaos, I turn to self-survival mode. That’s not how we are called to live. Community is how the body of Christ accomplishes things, operating in unity and building each other up. Community puts the gospel on display, knitting together people for a purpose greater than themselves. At training camp, our squad said “YES” to each other. A commitment to really see each other. A commitment to lean in rather than withdraw when things get hard. When we are not likeable, we will show grace and love. When we push away, we will fight for each other. This community is bigger than just N Squad. We need to find community in each place we travel to: Do life with people. Seek them out. Learn from them. View everyone as sons and daughters of God. Talk about dreams with people. Re-establish hope.
We are called to live out John 13:35 – “Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples – when they see the love you have for each other.”
Introduction time!
So who are these amazing people that I keep talking about?
- My Squad! Meet my new family for the next year! My team is full of beautiful Sons and Daughters who know how to love so well. We are The Church. We are His hands and feet. We laughed and cried together, and I am so grateful to be a part of this group of world changers.
- My Team! These 6 people have taught me so much in the 10 days we had together. They are teaching me what it looks like to be vulnerable, to be accepted as the real me, to have a voice, to trust. They care, they encourage, they pray. Their stories are beautiful and I can’t wait to do life with them for the first few months of the race. Left to right: Holden, Anna-Bonita (AB), Hayley, Kim, Tyler, me, and Chris!
All of this boils down to living a Life on Mission. Living a life on mission is so much bigger than an 11 month mission trip. Notice that this is not when I feel like it, or when someone hands me a ministry opportunity. The Matthew 10 way of life is a 24/7 way of life.
If you’re anything like me, 24/7 may seem overwhelming. At the end of just 10 days, I thought, “How am I supposed to keep going like this for 11 months, let alone the rest of my life?” These 10 days wrecked me. The self-reflection is exhausting. Pouring into community is exhausting. The Lord reminded me of the answer: one day at a time. The Lord’s Prayer doesn’t say, “Give us this day a year’s worth of bread.” When we get anxiety over the next year and what will happen and whether we are ready, we need to take a step back and remember that the Lord has promised provision for this day. This year will not happen by me or because of me. He has gone before us, He is behind us, and He is alongside us. We just need to have our hands open to what He has for us TODAY. Training camp was just a glimpse of the adventure we will have this year. I am so excited to jump into what God has planned, one day at a time, with no strings attached.
