“While Christianity was able to agree with pagan writers that inordinate attachment to earthly goods can lead to unnecessary pain and grief, it also taught that the answer to this was not to love things less but to love God more than anything else. Only when our greatest love is God, a love that we cannot lose even in death, can we face all things with peace. Grief was not to be eliminated but seasoned and buoyed up with love and hope.” – Timothy Keller
I had big plans to write a nice, neat blog post about Nepal and seeing the Lord work in one of the most beautiful places I’ve even been. When our “short” travel day from India turned into an overnight, 40+ hour travel day including missed flights and expired visas, I should have known God had other plans.
Nepal was brutal, and I don’t use that word lightly. (Please stay tuned…God didn’t leave me there…)
During Debrief, I had the opportunity to see Mount Everest. As we were flying over Kathmandu, I couldn’t help but notice the dirty, hazy landscape of Kathmandu Valley. House upon house, with a layer of smog covering miles and miles. The dirt and haze are so thick, sometimes you can’t even see what you’re surrounded by. When you break through the smog and filth that humans have created, the landscape of the Himalayas is breathtaking. There is beauty in the midst of the brokenness.
(The smog over Kathmandu Valley)
VS.
(Mount Everest and the stunning Himalayas)
Another day, a few friends and I went to Swayambhunath, a Buddhist (with Hindu influence) temple also known as the Monkey Temple. The view of Kathmandu from the top of the 300+ steps is beautiful. The gold-covered, ornate carvings and burning incense mixed with the hundreds of inhabited monkeys makes for a fascinating sight. However, when you look past the monkeys and the view, you also find people devoted to the ritual of walking around the stupa, spinning the prayer wheels and throwing rice and flower petals as a sign of worship to their gods. You see mothers holding out their babies to touch his or her head on every corner of the shrines, careful not to miss one. It’s a heavy sight. There is beauty mixed into the brokenness.
(Monkey at the Monkey Temple)
(The beautiful view of the Monkey Temple)
VS.
(One of the many ritual areas for worshipping the gods)
(The prayer wheels)
A few days later, I walked outside of the place my team was staying at, desperate to find a few rays of sun to dry my hair after an ice cold shower, and I saw this sight:
(Should my focus be on the broken glass…)
OR
(Should my focus be on the beauty that surrounds the brokenness…)
I stared at the flowers and the broken glass and thought to myself, “How often do we focus on our own brokenness and never stop to look around and see the beautiful things that God is doing. God, the Creator of the Universe, has the power to turn darkness into light, tragedy into beauty, and our mistakes into His glory. Too often, we look through the lens of the dirty, hazardous broken glass and focus on ourselves and our own mess, when God is giving us the opportunity to take a step back and shift our lens to the beautiful things He has planned. Why aren’t we looking for it?”
Little did I know that a few days later, I would need to take this lesson to heart personally.
Before I knew it, we were leaving that house in Kathmandu on a long, tiring 11-hour drive through the mountains to reach the orphanage where we would be serving and doing construction for the next few weeks.
(An 11-hour bus ride through the winding mountains, praying our bags didn’t fly off the roof and we didn’t fly off the mountain)
Day #1 of Ministry – I was not feeling well, but I was determined to join in the day’s activities.
Day #2 of Ministry – I found myself laying in my tent for the entire day, sick and frustrated that I couldn’t work with my team.
Day #3 of Ministry – I went to the hospital to get checked out and found out through a blood test that I had Typhoid Fever.
From there, things moved pretty fast. It was determined that the best plan was to fly back to Kathmandu to receive treatment for the Typhoid. My teammates packed up everything I had (not an easy task!) and I left the next morning. Being sick and flying alone was not fun, but my host mom picked me up from the airport and we were on our way to the hospital in no time. After a few more tests, it was determined that, in addition to the Typhoid, I had a double lung infection and would be admitted to the hospital for treatment for both.
Before I knew it, my world went from:
(The beautiful view at the orphanage)
TO:
(I spent many hours staring at this IV line and the empty ceiling)
Foreign healthcare, unknown illnesses, and language barriers made the next few days in the hospital scary, frustrating, and lonely. Spending the first night in the “general ward” consisted of lots of staring from the other patients, trying to decipher treatment plans, the system for getting food, water, and medicine, lights on, and loud noise all night. I saw things I wish I could un-see, and I wanted to leave ASAP. Depending on the doctor, it seemed I would be in the hospital anywhere between 3-10 days…I was hoping for 3.
A few days later, I was still sick and weak, but I also started to have severe stomach pains. Long story short, it was discovered that I also had gallstones and needed my gallbladder removed.
If I was scared and frustrated before, it only grew exponentially when surgery was discussed. I felt alone – alone in my thoughts, alone in my pain, and alone in my frustrations. My physical body hurt, and I felt worse than when I got to the hospital in the first place. I felt guilty for leaving my team. I felt like a burden to the people who came to help me at the hospital. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t doing ministry or helping anyone from my hospital bed. What does that translate to? God, you made a mistake. Your plans for me in Nepal failed.
One of the greatest qualities of God is that He doesn’t leave us alone in our pain. And during that time, God brought people around me to point me back to Him. I would love to say that I received the gift of people with gratitude and joy, but the funny thing about my stubborn, sinful nature is that I didn’t want it. I didn’t want help…I didn’t want any of it. I didn’t want people wasting their time to sit with me. I didn’t want people caring for me. And guess what? They did it anyway. Isn’t that how God is with us? We NEED Him so badly, yet we push, we fight, we run in the other direction, and He cares for us and loves us anyway.
Fast forward a few days, and I am ready to leave after 8 days, 2 hospitals, 1 flight, 1 roommate (so many more stories there…), 7 blood draws, 3 diagnoses, 5 IVs, 3 x-rays, and 4 incisions later. Once again, I would love to say that I was on the mend and full of joy, but I would find myself crying from my bed, wrestling with the thoughts of “why” and frustrations of still being in pain.
One night, I sat on the roof by myself under the stars and just listened. I had had enough of my thoughts and emotions swirling around. Funny how He speaks as soon as I stop to listen. He said to me, “Just like I created those beautiful Himalayan mountains, I created you. Neither were a mistake. Just like the flowers and landscape that you find so beautiful here, I created you. Neither were a failure. You pray ‘Thy will be done’, but you need to trust that I will not leave you to do it alone. My plans for you are so much bigger than you can imagine. Trust Me, rest in Me, find refuge in Me, and let Me love you in your pain and frustration. Psalms 34:18 -The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
I can’t explain the change in my heart because of the unbelievable community that my loving Father provided to me during my time of brokenness and need. My World Race squad radiates His love and cared for me so well. My friends spent night after night sleeping on benches in my hospital room so that I wasn’t alone. They encouraged me when I was at the end of my patience. They sat with me in my pain. My brothers and sisters in Christ prayed for me in my hospital bed. Friends, family, and strangers literally halfway around the world prayed for me. Phone calls, text messages, and so much love was flowing in my direction when I didn’t deserve it. My host mom and sister, who I had only met days ago, sat with me, cared for me, prayed over me, and loved me so well. Doctors looked out for me and nurses went above and beyond to makes sure I was okay. Friends spent their Thanksgiving holiday with me as a selfless sacrifice. These people found plastic wrap and medical tape to wrap my stomach so I could shower. They set alarms for the middle of the night to make sure I received pain meds. They brushed my hair and brought food and left “welcome home” signs on my bed. I don’t have words to express my gratitude.
(I may not remember taking this picture or leaving the hospital that night, but I will never forget these sweet people and the many others that loved me so well this month)
As this month in Nepal comes to an end, I am at peace and ready for what the Lord has planned. Was this month hard? Oh yeah. Was it scary? Yes. Was it painful? In more ways than one. Is the Lord still good? Oh you better believe it. Is He still working? You bet. This world is broken, I am so flawed, and this experience is hard. Yet God has created beauty all over this world, this month, and my story.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 – But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
There is beauty in MY brokenness.
