I think I can speak for every world racer when I say the moment we hit the Apply button a jolt of excitement starts surging through our bodies and our heads start spinning with all sorts of thoughts. That jolt is a bit bigger when we get our acceptance phone call. In fact, after finding out I was accepted I think I squealed. At least I had enough foresight to hang up the phone first or else that poor guy’s ear would probably be permanently damaged. I think I can also safely say that after the initial excitement and euphoria wears off there is a moment of pure dread: the moment we realize what we’ve just done and we start to question ourselves. Does God really want me to do this? Maybe I was misreading the signs. Wouldn’t God want someone better equipped than me to go and spread the word? Someone who likes to rough it and who knows how to instantaneously connect with perfect strangers? These are the thoughts that were going through my head anyway. And to perfectly honest with you, they still do.
I was accepted into the World Race back in April and my excitement lasted for a couple of months. Fundraising was something new to me but I was pretty pumped to get started. My family supported my decision 100% even though they had their concerns, mostly for my safety. But again, that initial excitement starts to wear off and all those thoughts started to creep into my head. As it turns out, fundraising isn’t as easy as I thought it would be, even though I knew it was going to be hard to begin with. My family, although they have never stopped supporting me, are moving forward with their lives, as they should. They’re buying homes and having babies and for some insane reason I thought everyone would put their lives on hold until I got back from the race.
Every racer, or at least a good chunk of us, goes through what I like to call a pre-World Race slump. I’ve been in this slump since the middle of June and haven’t really felt myself start to get excited again until today. So, what happened today? Nothing that can really explain the sudden shift of emotion-at least nothing worldly. I finally dragged myself out of bed and went to church. Near the end of the service we were learning a new song that I can’t remember the words to right now, but that doesn’t matter. It wasn’t the words that made me catch my breath. It was the sudden peace that seemed to spread throughout the auditorium. I felt surrounded by this calmness and as I looked around at the people near me and tried to imagine the kind of lives they lead I knew I loved every one of them. I don’t even know any of their names but I knew in that moment I loved them. That’s a big deal for me because if there is anything you need to know it’s that I don’t let people in that easily. I don’t know if it’s trust issues. I don’t know if it’s fear, but I’m pretty talented at keeping people at a distance.
Today I felt God with me in what feels like a long time. I know He is responsible for the peace I felt and I’m comforted now by the fact that He never leaves our side even when it feels like He isn’t listening or He isn’t around. He is always listening and He is always around. Lots of people say that but I never really got it until today. I know these doubts I’ve been having these last couple of months will probably creep into my mind again-hey, I’m only human-but I also know that I can handle them now. I don’t have to worry about not being the best equipped missionary because God chose me to serve His people and that’s all that matters. I may not know His reasons but I trust Him, or at least I’m trying to. Every day I trust Him a little more and I just wanted you to know that.
