The truth about my mindset these past several weeks has been: “I no longer want to go on the World Race.” It felt like each day of Training Camp I entertained the idea of not going. Though I flirted with the thought, I knew I wouldn’t give in. I have never in my life been more certain that I am exactly where God wants me to be…Darn it.
I asked myself, “What am I really afraid of?”
- I’m afraid of being uncomfortable. As superficial as it may sound, I don’t want to go 11 months without a hot shower, or my bed, or sanitary bathrooms, or looking cute, or alone time.
- I’m afraid of losing my friends. I don’t know what this next year holds, but I do expect to change… a lot. I’m afraid I am going to come back so different that my friends will think I’m weird and we’ll slowly fade away from each other. Or, I’m afraid that we won’t keep in contact with each other while I’m away and I won’t have any friends to come back to at all.
- I’m afraid of being even more different from my family. I love my family very much, but I think it’s safe to say that I’m pretty odd in comparison. I’m the nerd of the group. The liberal—or “lib” as they call me. The free spirit. The hippie. Sister Christian. Preacher. Jesus freak. I’ve heard it all. I’m afraid that I’m going to come back and they’ll think I’m even weirder than before and too awkward to hang around.
- I’m afraid being back in the US will be too hard for me. I’m afraid that the affluence, the simple luxuries, and the very things I’m afraid of losing now will be the things I come to hate.
- I’m afraid that the World Race is only the beginning and that after I return God is going to call me to be a long-term missionary and I’ll be one of those people always living in faraway places.
I knew I was feeling fearful, but I didn’t acknowledge why. Instead, I just pushed my fears down and pushed God away. I distanced myself from personal relationship with Him so I could focus on work and fundraising and preparations without having to think about what I’d be leaving behind and how I might change. I had finally received my dose of reality…and it was strong.
I asked myself, “Why did I want to go on the World Race in the first place?”
- I have no direction for my life, so why not? I gave up my occupational goals and have no clue what I want to do with my life.
- I want to grow and be challenged. This past year I abandoned my plans to go to graduate school, make a solid income, and be successful. Instead, I went broke trying to support myself, had to leave my job, my home, and my friends to move back in with my mother and struggle with unemployment for 4 months. It was not an easy year, but it was the best year of my life. Why? Because this past year was my first step into total abandonment and following God blindly. I was stripped of my independence and reminded of how dependent I am upon God. As a result, my relationship with Him grew exponentially. Knowing Jesus more and experiencing His presence became the epicenter of my soul and the longing of my heart. It’s all I wanted. And I know the World Race will continue that in a tremendous way.
- I want more. Praying more intimately (speaking in tongues), prophesying, healing, miracles… These are all things I have read about in the Bible and heard about from friends. At first, I thought these things were weird and I therefore denied their existence. But now I want to experience the Holy Spirit in these ways for myself and apply these gifts wherever an opportunity presents itself.
Torn between these fears and affirmations, I revert back to the Scripture that the Lord spoke over me when He first called me to missions:
“When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, ‘Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.’ Jesus replied, ‘Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.’ Another disciple said to him, ‘Lord, first let me go and bury my father.’ But Jesus told him, ‘Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.’” Matthew 8:18-22 (NIV)
This is the life Jesus called me to. Yes, I will give up my simple luxuries and my home. And no, there is never going to be a good time to go. I will miss engagements and weddings and birthdays and holidays and graduations and births and maybe even deaths. But I will experience joy, laughter, happy tears, sad tears, vulnerability, growth, culture shock, homesickness, community, irritation, adventure, weariness, answered prayers, unanswered prayers, miracles, boredom, life, love, and Jesus.
He did not say it will be easy, but He did say it will be worth it.
