Asia was the continent where the most hurt came from for me. As I stated in my Central America blog, I began believing that I had to prove myself to my squad mates.
Before I give stories I want to start by saying that these are my experiences and filtered through my lens. This is not how all black people experience things; just how I, Daniella, have experienced things.
Indonesia: First country in Asia was ‘Unsung Heroes’ month for me and my team. One of the potential host we found had us go to schools and share different things about America. As always, the question about our president came up (I tend to avoid answering the question). Our translator stated that “I heard that Obama didn’t do anything for the black people in America.” He then said “it’s ok to disagree.” I was speechless because I wasn’t going to have an argument or debate in front of a classroom of high schoolers. Later on during my check in with my team, I expressed to my team how hurtful it was. Not because of what he said because it’s normal to hear from people, but it was hurtful because I felt silenced-how was I supposed to address it? I later had a conversation with Taylor and I explained to her that I don’t know all that Obama did but I do remember what it felt like to be a freshman in college and have the feeling of having people who looked like me represent my country. So what Barack Obama did for black people was give us representation. It’s hard to explain that to anyone who does not have an issue with being represented. I received some feedback on having two differen voices. The feedback was to encourage me to be confident in what I am saying, but I wrongly took it as Taylor validating something I already knew I had, which is my black voice and my white voice. This is when I began to realize that I was conditioned to make my life appear a certain way around white people. I stated this in my Central America blog but to take it a little deeper-if you don’t talk in a way that makes you appear educated then you are rejected. If you don’t have your hair a certain way then you aren’t fit for the job. We are conditioned to not be too black, but just enough to give the diversity that is required. Kinda reminds me of Elisa conceal don’t feel.
Vietnam: Vietnam was the one country that I was looking forward to, however, it was the one I felt the internal battle became more evident to others around me. I was completing raised-up Squad Leader training and the lies that I felt about having to prove myself were magnified. I remember thinking, “Who would want to follow me?” I already had issues with feeling pursued on the squad and yet again I had to work to get to know the people around me. After beginning to work through this, Carly, Amanda and I had to take a bus from Ho Chi Minh City to Da Nang. While on the bus we made a stop for food. Upon getting off, one of the passengers turns to me and said “Oh, they are just joking with what they are saying,” and it was clear that passengers were talking about me. It was a moment of having what I thought was happening be confirmed: they were making fun of how I looked. I didn’t know if it was my hair or my skin color, all I knew was that I was ashamed. Upon returning to the bus I switched to an open seat and one of the bus workers came up to me and yelled at me: “GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT!” The shame just continued. Upon arriving with the team, I was not in the mood to be around Vietnamese people or white people which made doing SQL things hard because, well, I’m the only black person. We had worship and prayer that morning and I asked the people that were in the room with me to pray for me I was just a bag of hurt. It was truly the first time that I felt alone. I felt and knew that no one could truly relate and I missed my community at home. My community of people not wanting to make me feel better, but people have similar experiences and could speak the truth into it. I missed the comfort of being in America, my America, the Black America.
Cambodia: This was my first month back in ministry, also my first month being a SQL all on my own. There was one day when it finally poured down rain in Kampot (I had been waiting for the rain for like 4 days). We went out to play in the rain and I remember seeing the kids pointing at my hair and I watched them run up to my squad mates and never towards me. That was the first time that I thought “Wow! I am different and I am treated differently in Asia.” The next dagger was when we were doing a home visit and the person we were there to minister to said, “Why are very black and very big” (Yes, this was translated to me). In this moment I learned a new level of love because I had to share the gospel with this man and let him know that God loves us no matter what; I learned to love through my hurt. This incident led me to ask my host if there are a lot of black people that come to this village because from the various interactions from the children and villagers led me to believe that they hadn’t experienced many black people. Not only had they not experienced many black people, there had not been a missionary team in this village in about 2 or 3 years. Cambodia was a hard month for me truly because I felt such deep rejection.
Thailand: Thailand was my favorite of all of the countries in Asia. Other than personal struggles, I felt like this was the first month I could just be me. One day after getting to Chaing Mai, I met Daniella. She was an answer to prayer that my heart was praying and I didn’t even realize I needed. She is Afrolatina and she is from Philly! It was nice to talk about things back home that I care about that she could relate to. The day after meeting her our squad was having debrief and I remember reading in Ephesians 4 where it talks about God’s love and I felt his love so great that day. I had a squadmate ask what gospel music I liked, which made me feel seen. Also in Chiang Mai there are a lot of black Americans and there is a group on Facebook that proves it. I thought, “How is this life? The last time I saw this many black people was in the States and maybe in Panama City, Panama.” I spoke about the 4th of July incident in the Orange Fanta blog. I also had the opportunity to have a conversation with Paul, the hostel director (Zion Hostel is an AIM base). He encouraged and challenged me in sharing my experiences and how impactful that will be. Thailand was a month of redemption.
Overall, what I learned from Asia is that we have to go out and show love and be willing to push past our insecurities, and also express things when we need to. I flew away from Asia feeling that there needs to be more black people on the mission field or traveling. I wondered how different my experiences would have been had there been people who had gone before me more consistently. We are the Body of Christ and as Christians we need to make sure that when we are going to the Nations, the people we are sending represent the diversity in the Body. I have been challenged this year with wanting to make sure that when I get home that my sphere of influence becomes more diverse. Having a year of not being surrounded by people who look and were raised similar to me has taught me an entire new level of diversity. It is not only the skin but it is culture, background, it is a variety of things that make us diverse.
While I experienced so many hurtful events in Asia I never would have learned to love with no limits without those experiences. I learned how to see people beyond their ignorance, and see that the lack of knowledge has come from a lack of representation. This blog is written to challenge everyone to see what it would look like to step out of your comfort zone and connect with someone who doesn’t look like you, think like you, or act like you, and get to know them. There is only one you and the world needs to see it. By world I mean the person next to you. You don’t have to leave your country to change the world. Yes, it expands your mind by traveling but travel through the views and minds of others.
My last thought is for the ‘Only Black One’ reading this. Understand that the rejection that may come during your travel is just a barrier that is waiting to be broken. I want to challenge you to let it break so that you can build a bridge. Don’t let the hurtful things that may be spoken verbally or nonverbally create a defense. Look at them as bricks that you get to use to build. Remember you are paving the way for others and it may be hard but that will be one less brick that someone after you will have to be hit with.
