It’s been a while. It’s been a hard first month here in Africa, so I haven’t really known what to write about. Ministry has been awesome. We stayed at an orphanage in the bush for a few days. We have also been teaching and preaching at a local church everyday. God has been working on a lot of things. It’s been burying me for the most part, but recently the burdens became a little different. I’m going back to simply writing out my journal. It is after all what I’m going through, the best and the worst. So heres my heart.
I’m sobbing right now. It’s cleansing me… purging my body. It hurts, but I feel like I’m human again. My heart aches, but it reminds me that God is with me and he is close to me. I can remember the last time I cried. There have been so few times I’ve broken down like this that it’s easy to remember. Last time I cried was when I watched my baptism four and a half years ago. I have always considered that to be the first time I truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit come on me. It was the first time I knew beyond a doubt I was in the presence of God. You could almost say it was the first time God confirmed ,outside my own intellect, that he would be there for me. He would be with me. It was as if He was taking the first step with me. I was undone. That was the last time also… I don’t really break down much. I can usually ride it out when I feel it trying to come up… when I feel like I just want to collapse. I don’t know why I ride it out. It may be the way I was raised. But really I feel like it’s just the kind of person God made me. Lots of people say strong men cry a lot. This is true… there are a lot of strong men that cry often, but there are also a lot of wussy wimpy men that cry often. And there are lots of strong men that don’t cry very often… like my dad. He is a man. He stands up for people and situations where many people may throw in the towel. He knows where God has brought him and what he has been brought through and he doesn’t apoligize for the way the Lord has guided him to handle certain situations. He’s been loyal to my mother and many of his friends through some really heart breaking situations. He gave up a job that probably could have made our family a lot richer just so he could spend more time with my brother and I. The dude is a man. He’s a strong man.
At the beginning of the Race some of the leaders prayed with me and asked God to remove the heart of stone that I knew I had come with to training. I was simply emotionless. I closed my eyes for their prayers and wondered if God was really prompting their prayer for me or if they had just memorized it, like the prayer of Jabez or something. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good prayer, powerful stuff that I’m sure has help a lot of people. But it’s Jabez’s prayer. I realize that every word of the Bible is significant and meaningful, one of the biggest reasons I came on this trip was so that I could find what kind of prayer I should be praying. Why did God make me and wired me the way I’m wired? What is my name in Christ? I wanted to hear what God thinks of me… so I continued on still very stoic.
Throughout the race I’ve continually prayed to God to break down my walls, help me to trust, destroy my skeptism, increase my faith, and allow me to feel for people. And looking back at it now I realize that God has answered each and every one of these prayers in some way or another. And he continues to answer them. He has been bringing me through all kinds of situations. but God knows that I need him to be gentle…so it’s been gradual. I haven’t fallen over backwards and recieved it, though some people have prayed for me too. I haven’t come to it through hitting a wall of exhaustion. You have to learn to slow dance before you can break dance. From the start of the Race I have simply done the things I know I can do. I have simply taken every chance or oputunity I can for God to use me. Today might actually be the first day I haven’t gone out and done ministry when the rest of my team is going.
Today was a different day though. Today I broke down. Today I wept. I tried to hold back, I tried to hold back around my team. I tried to put on my strong face. Leaders don’t cry… right? Sometimes God moves so much at a given time that everytime you look someone in the eye you are inebriated with a potent cocktail of love, fear, failure, joy, weakness, grief, shame, strength, peace, anxiety, and pain… this is repentance. It comes when you know that you have grieved the Father and you can’t help but notice that your sin doesn’t just affect you and whoever it is you sin against… It affects every single person you are around. It’s when you can’t help but wonder how much love has been withheld from the people around you or how much of your joy has been spent being burdened with your sin. Basically you can’t help but think about how completely and utterely depraved you really are. And these feelings don’t even begin to describe how you are feeling about the one you sinned against. Ashamed is probably the best word for it. Absolutely ashamed.
Grace Father, I need grace.
Mercy Father, I need mercy
Forgiveness Father, I need your forgiveness
There are two things that made me cry like Oprah today.
1. I’ve greived God, and I’ve grieved others. I repent. I have sinned.
2. I don’t deserve grace… I don’t deserve to be here. People have loved on me my whole life when I don’t deserve it. But my parents my brother, my friends, my church, my teamates, my pastors and my mentors continue to love me.
It’s God’s kindness and God using others’ kindness that brings about my repentance. It’s God’s kindness that brings strong men to their knees. It’s God’s kindness that show us who we are.
A friend of mine told me that he has been praying for a heart like David’s. When David was confronted by Nathan about his sin of adultery with Bathsheba and his murdering of Bathsheba’s husband, all David can say is, “I have sinned against the Lord.”
So I’m stealing my friends prayer today… Lord give me a heart like David…
