I must say… it’s hard to live in the here and now when you´re coming to the end of a journey like the one we’ve been on. Thoughts of the future and what lies ahead dominate my thoughts these days. I don’t think I’ve check out necessarily, but rather, it just seems easier to think about the future right now. Right now I just feel exhausted.
We’ve been away for almost ten months now. When I think about it, it’s not that long of a time. But it feels like so much has been packed into these last ten month. So many different experiences, so many different journeys, so many different relationships. It’s crazy when I think about it. One of the hardest things for me this year has been the continuous cycle of initiating and terminating relationships. The amount of time we have with each contact is just enough time to finally be comfortable around a person, but not enough time to get to know them really well. I would be considered an extrovert… but I have always had a hard time initiating relationships. Once the ball gets rolling I do a lot better. The first few days however, those crucial first magical moments, are often times moments I rather dread. The continuous saying hello and goodbye has taken its toll on me. Our team has done pretty well when it comes to being in community with contacts, and getting to know them well in the short time we have. It has been a huge blessing. But we don’t seem to go into places anymore with the same eagerness to dive into the culture and the people that we are around.
So now I find myself in Panama. The people here are incredible. We are staying with a family on the floor of their living room. It can be tight at times, and it’s hard to find a place to be alone. The first day we stayed with a pastor who offered to house us the whole time in an even smaller house. They actually moved their two kids into their own bedroom so we would have room to stay. It blows me away. We offer to put up our tents, but they insist we don’t. We offer to pay them some money but they don’t want to take it. We offer to cook them food, but they insist that they cook because they love to cook. They tell us we can clean the dishes. We eventually moved into the pastor´s parent´s house which is bigger, and we cook our own meals, and meals for a bunch of other people. But still the people here are incredible. My natural reaction to such hospitality and kindness is to insist that I be the one to be hospitable and kind. Often times I feel unworthy of such kindness and service. I feel I must do something to earn it. But usually there is nothing I can do. And when I force myself to do something, I find that I take something away from the people who are so eager to serve. If I insist that we cook, they are grateful, yes, but really they love to cook. I take that away from them. If I insist that we are intruding on their home, and we decide to find a hotel or hostel to stay at instead, I rob them of the very things that they love to do. That is simply part of them. And I would miss out on the community that I could have had with them. Why on earth do I want to stop this? I think I know some of the answers. It’s what we are told we have to do to be successful in America. We have to be independent. We want to be a self made men. It’s is completely opposite to the Christian message though. Completely opposite to the way we were made to be.
So what is my response to be. All I can do is be grateful, and thank God for the people he places us with. Thank God for calling Christians to be such people. These Christians actually make me want to be like them. They make me want to open my heart and my home to whoever I come in contact with. Whether they are Christians or not, whether they speak my language or not. Or whether its a bit of a burden or not, I know I want to be like them because I know how it changes me and the way I think. Hopefully I can also make it my life as well. I have been reading a lot of Old Testament lately. Time and time again God tells his people to take care of the widows and orphans… and the foreigner. You never know how you affect someone’s life by being a servant. It speaks more words, without even opening your mouth, than practically any deep profound conversation you could have. I want this in my life.
So continues the theme my year. When I am tired, God picks me up. When I am failing, God reassures me. When I feel weak, God places people in my life that are so ridiculously incredible that I can’t help but be changed by them.
