Faith never knows where it is being led,
But it knows and loves the one who is leading.
— Oswald Chambers
Oh Oswald, thou doth speaketh to me…
So I find myself in a place that I have never been nor could have imagined being. It is a place all together unfamiliar to me as I only thought it possible in dreams or in church sermons. As I type this I can hardly keep from smiling…reawakened I suppose to a immense sense of peace and zest for life that seems much more permanent than it ever has before. It’s beginning to permeate every part of my life. Every conversation, every embrace, everything I do seems to radiate with a sense of the presence of the Divine, picking me up, dusting me off, and guiding me through he next step. For what feels like the first time in my life I feel at peace for I know the Lord is walking with me. For the first time in my life I feel like I actually trust God and what he is doing here and now, and I look with nothing but sheer excitement for what he has in store for the future. And that’s the funny thing. The future is looking completely different than any of my previous dreams could have conjured, and I’m sure they will continue to change. I am actually sure that God can and will give to the ones he loves more than they could ask or imagine.
So I find myself in a place knowing what I have seemed to know for as long as God has been in my life… but there is something more now. Something that has been missing but now seems so essential and crucial. I have always known the Lord gives and takes away. I have always known that Satan comes to steal kill and destroy abundant life in Christ. But I haven’t always been so sure that there is peace on the other end. I haven’t always been so sure that I am resting in the arms of a Father that loves me beyond belief. I haven’t always had this sense that no matter what happens… God’s goodness and love always prevails. Whether it be through pain, hardships, abandonment, doubting, confusion, incredible blessing, euphoria… whatever the situation may be, God’s goodness and love will prevail. Whether it immediate, whether it’s years from now, whether it’s in this life or in the next… something tells me that God’s goodness and love will prevail.
So I find myself in a season of knowing God is what He promises to be. A season of knowing the things I hope for, and certain of the things I simply cannot see. I know not where I am going, but I can’t seem to stop being enamored with the mystery of the one who is clearly in the lead. Every new day brings an abundance of endless possibilities, and new songs on my lips sing of what the Lord is doing or has accomplished.
From my journal at the beginning of the race
9/3/07 9AM
God will you reveal yourself to me when the time is right? Should I be questioning my relationship with you? Do you hear my prayers? Am I even really praying this or is it just lip motion? And if you are hearing me what must I do to get close to you? Must I speak in tongues and heal people while dancing and skipping about? Show me what true relationship is for me Lord and help me to live that out every day. I pray I have so many experiences this year I could write a book on them. I pray by the end of the year I will know you like I have never known you before. I pray that you exceed my greatest hopes and desires. I pray you show me who I am, show me how to love, and show me where I hurt. Show me that life with you is the only thing I need. Help me to clear away distractions and focus on you like I have never done before.
Test me God, so my faith in you will be forged stronger. Test me to see that I won’t do anything for you if I know that’s where you are leading me. Confide in me God and I will go.
9/3/07 11AM
I must say… I’m sad that the last season of my life is over. No longer I am in College and I must now move onto a new unfamiliar season. In the last four years God has grown me through uncertainty and defeat, good times and and not so good ones. I’m gonna miss being with my family, being with friends, and with the ones I have come to love so much. I will miss my brother. I will miss my mom and dad.. I will miss my youth group and being with Ryan.
However, I trust what God has in store for me will be more that I could ask or imagine… while at the same times I am thankful for the times the last season has given me. Prepare my heart God for this next season. May the trails and hardships that I experience be ever so insignificant compared to my love and dependence on you.
So when I look at it, this year is becoming more and more and answer to prayers that I have had before… but rarely believed. As I move forward the future becomes brighter. As I draw closer I come to love and trust more. My life is not the same right now, and everyday I’m reassured that it will never be the same. It will only be greater than I ask or imagine… because I am with the Lord, and His goodness and love always prevail. Life is so sweet , when Jesus is your leader.
One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.
(Psa 62:11-12)
