The first two weeks in China were actually really challenging for me and I haven’t felt any desire to write, nor have I even known how to put my thoughts and emotions into words.
So instead, here I am. These are the thoughts I could gather, a by-product of my current environment, and this is my attempt to express what I experienced the first half of this month.
One of the things I prayed for before I left in January was that God would teach me how to love like He does; unconditionally, even when its hard.
So now I’m left begging…. “God, can I take that one back?”
You laugh, but I’m serious.
I need a vacation from the World Race. I’m tired, won out, drained, and exhausted. I know God has things for me here and for these kids but how does that work when I’m having a hard time giving of myself?
Do I need a new season? Is a new country each month not cutting it anymore?
Be in the moment. What does God have for me now? Why is that so difficult to do right now? It’s not even homesickness. I know that I will be home soon enough and that will have its own challenges. What’s the deal with me?
Maybe I need a little bit of easy. I don’t WANT to build relationships anymore. I can’t believe I’ve gotten to that point. I don’t want to have to get to know new people and then leave in a few weeks. Heck, I can’t even speak the local language.
I’m done with World Race community too. It’s beneficial and so necessary but for right now I just want it to end. There are even some people I haven’t really gotten to know and its Month 10. I’m basically out of time and out of energy to invest in it all. Sometimes I think about how tired I can get of these people and this process. It’s often due to this forced community that I want to withdraw my prayer request from before the Race.
I love many of these people, but it’s hard.
Keep calm.
Don’t take offence.
Don’t use that tone of voice.
Make sure to prefer.
Consider others.
Respect decisions.
Deal with your crap already!
Many emotions and thoughts are running through my head these days and I can’t seem to make sense of much. Too many things to consider and ways God is changing me to be more like Him. Satan tries to control my thoughts but I’m battling the enemy in my mind, my actions and my words – every day.
So I’m convinced this is all my own fault. I prayed that I would love unconditionally, the way Jesus did. I prayed he would help me love those who are hard to love. What was I thinking?!
It’s Month 10 and I He’s answering my prayer. Or at least trying to teach me. And as a result, I’m losing my mind. Why did I ask for this? It’s hard. Do I really care to love this way? Can I just give up?
My team is sometimes hard to love, contacts are sometimes hard to love, the kids we work with are sometimes hard to love, and even God can be hard to love.
But I also know that I am hard to love.
I carry many of the same characteristics that drive me crazy in other people…plus more I’m sure. But, God still chooses to love me. Supernaturally. He still chooses to love each of them as well – the same way. If I am to become more like Christ then I need to choose that too. With His help.
Even when I’m angry,
sad,
irritable,
when it’s unfair,
when I’m judged,
and when I think I have no patience left.
No wonder I’ve been going insane. I need more of God, more of His Spirit. It’s ONLY by His power – let me tell you.
