My heart has been in a battle ever since I committed to the World Race. Now, this battle has had many different faces about it, but the recurring face continues to be that of heaviness. A heaviness for the brokenness of this world, for homesickness, and for the thoughts rumbling around inside my head; uncertainty, confusion, fear, anxiety, loose ends….so much spinning through my head constantly! And a dull ache has become my steady friend as I rise and fall with each new day.
Let me tell you about the story of my life for the past week…get comfy, because God has been doing some totally unexpected things through this battle of mine.
March 31st, I woke-up with intense homesickness…but an odd kind of homesickness – not for my childhood home in Wisconsin, but for my eldest sister. You see, this specific day was her birthday, and once again, I was missing it as I have for probably 8 – 10 years now. She is 7 years older than me (I think, haha) and we probably haven’t had a good sisterly chat for almost a year, which is too long in my book! So I immediately started praying for motivation and opportunity to talk with her soon. Not expecting much to happen anytime soon, but knowing that God would make it happen in His time. I finish my quiet-time with God and walk to work with an aching feeling with every step I take….attempting to pump myself up for work because it was the last place I wanted to be on this particular day. Praying that God would be with me in that day because I knew my attitude was already very poor.
As I walked into the office that morning, I just looked around numbly, knowing that it was going to be a LONG day with my attitude the way it was. But I had a solution to this issue: the Chapel! Let me explain a little – the chapel at camp is one of my absolute favorite places to be. I love cleaning it every week and worshipping in this building because it is not just a building to me anymore- it has become a Holy Space for me. God has met me there on various occasions when I’ve been at my worst. So I practically run to the chapel that morning, expecting this Holy Space to soothe the ache in my heart.
And God never disappoints.
I enter the chapel, breathe a huge sigh of relief at the immediate comfort this place gives me, hook my phone up to the speaker to play worship songs, and begin to clean. And my attitude gradually shifts from dreading the day to hope in the day. And exactly as my attitude is shifting, my eldest sister calls me! Wait a second, I literally just prayed about talking with her not even an hour ago! Man, God – You’re quick today! And a smile appears on my face, followed by laughter at how awesome God is at answering my prayers at the perfect moment.
So my sister and I talked for the next 1.5 hours about our lives and what God was doing in them. It was a much needed conversation for me because my sister has an incredible gift of encouragement, which was exactly what I needed – God knew that even before I prayed for a chance to talk with her.
Our conversation ends and all I can do is laugh and smile at the perfectness of our God and how He truly cares about us. His love has no bounds.
So if my attitude hadn’t already shifted to joy, it had now!
And I continue cleaning the chapel with a smile on my face….thanking God over and over again for answering my prayer and uplifting my spirit.
Heaviness # 1: Missing my sister
Unexpected event #1 down – more to go…
That same day, I had also been praying about the garage-sale I was holding in order to raise money for the World Race. I was feeling incredibly apprehensive about the sale because A) I had never held a garage-sale before, so I had no clue what to expect, and B) At this point, the majority of my garage-sale consisted of clothing, shoes and small kitchen items like cups and utensils….not a very good start in my opinion. So I was praying that God would somehow fill my sale with bigger items like furniture.
Maybe a half-an-hour after I had finished chatting with my eldest sister, a good friend of mine texted me and said he would like to donate two couches to my garage sale….really?! God, You rock – thank you! And a laugh erupts from my soul – God’s timing is truly perfect.
I’m sure you can imagine, at this point, that my attitude was no longer downhearted – I mean, c’mon – God just totally flipped my day upside down in a good way! Not only did he work it out for me to talk with my sister, in that same day He also boosted my garage sale! So cool
But, wait, it gets better. That night after work, I drove to the house that my garage sale was being held at only to find not just the two couches, but a full bed set, cookware, TV stand, bathroom cabinetry, bedding, electronic items, and so much more! Wait a second…where did all this stuff come from?! God, I’m slightly confused – but mostly shocked….is this a joke? Am I imagining all this stuff?? As I stood there in silent shock, staring at everything, God spoke into my thoughts, “Danielle, you have no need to worry. I’ve promised to take care of you – this is how I’m taking care of you right now. I love my children…you need to TRUST me.” And I just laugh at the ridiculousness of it all…so many people had donated their stuff to this garage sale willingly; placing my heart in a state of gratitude…I am so undeserving, but God continues to bless me anyways…incredible.
So the garage sale comes and is exceptionally successful – once again proving that God loves to bless His children.
I cannot begin to explain how my heart feels at this point in the story except that it is overwhelmed with God’s goodness towards me – overwhelmed with His love for me! It is a bewildering, unexplainable love that He continues to give so freely.
Heaviness #2: Uncertainty and fear of failure
Unexpected event # 2 down – let’s continue….
The weekend of my garage sale, the camp staff was also hosting 3 different retreats out at camp. So you can imagine, I was feeling slightly stressed with the demands of my job and the sale breathing down my neck. I honestly wanted the entire weekend to just go away, to disappear so I could focus my energy on the garage sale…so my attitude was once again, very poor. And I knew it. “God, I’m cranky, tired and annoyed that I have to help host these retreats on top of doing my sale…I don’t want to and I just don’t care.
I.just.don’t.care.
I know it’s my job and I usually end-up loving each retreat that we host, but I’m exhausted and have lost the desire to be hospitable towards these groups…help!”
And the weekend ensues…
I wake-up Saturday morning feeling stressed right from the get-go…not a good sign. I rush to my Bible and pray God would give me peace – that He would comfort my heart’s turmoil. And He gives me a verse: “Commit your ways to Me, the LORD; trust also in Me, and I shall bring it to pass.” – Psalm 37:5. “Danielle, I need you to trust me. I know you are tired, I know the condition of your heart, I know all of you – I will get you through this day, but you have to walk with Me here. I will walk with you until you cannot go any farther- then I will carry you…either way, this day will not overcome you.” Okay God, I place this day in Your hands…I am trusting You to get me through this day because I cannot do this without You. I will fight – I will pick up my sword and fight with all I have…Satan will not have a foothold; he will not bring me down…with You by my side I can never lose. Let’s do this!
So I face the day feeling encouraged despite my exhaustion.
The day progresses into night and I hit a wall of anger. Let me explain.
The entire day had gone without a hitch; smooth and uneventful really…and it was almost done! I can almost breath!!! All I could think about was my bed and the wonderful feeling of collapsing in it…but we still had one last responsibility for the day: Campfire and S’mores with one of our retreat groups…grrr. But I push forward, asking God for just a little more energy to get through this last event for the evening – praying for a good attitude with a heart to serve.
We make the fire, get s’mores set-up and the group arrives soon after…we are in good shape. But just as I was feeling at ease, like the rest was smooth-sailing from here on out, Elise looks over at me and says “The group really wants campfire songs…can you go get your guitar and play some songs for them?” My heart sinks….really God?…do I really have to play? I am in no mood to lead campfire songs for a group I haven’t even worked with all weekend…I hardly care whether they have music or not. NO, no no no no…I don’t want to. Make them change their minds! Please! Anything to make it so I don’t have to walk all the way down to my house, grab my guitar and play for these people. But I had no choice…if the group requested it, I was obligated to play. And anger rose in my soul…for I had been defeated – I don’t take to defeat very graciously.
In my anger, I walked down to my house to get my guitar…venting with every step I took…annoyed that I was the only guitar player onsite and that the group had requested music. How rude of them…do they even know how far I have to walk to get my guitar??? So inconsiderate! As I walk, I pray for the weakness of my heart, for the bitterness and anger that had developed, for the resentment that hung on every breath…knowing full well that my heart was in trouble. I desperately prayed for help, anything to change how I was feeling. For I knew that all these feelings were not of God. God is not bitter, he is not angry, he is not resentful…these are not attributes of my Heavenly Father. No, He is full of delight, He is comforting, He is loving….get it together Danielle! It’s not like they asked you to roll over and play dead…just grab your guitar and play….you know how to do that, you play almost every day…deal with it! Put a smile on your face, a spring in your step and fake it ‘til you make it! That’s usually what people say to push forward, right? Did I do it right, haha – this is ridiculous. God? Be with me in this evening, I think I’m losin’ it! Maybe it’s the exhaustion talking….
Either way, I arrive at the campfire, and begin to play/sing halfheartedly…hoping they wouldn’t last long…hoping they would be too tired.
But God had different plans.
I play and sing, nervous as usual…stage-fright: my constant sidekick – pushing through anyways because I refused to be defeated by my own fears. God’s on my side…we got this! A few songs in, God reminds me, “You have a gift for music, for sharing Me through it, use it with a willing and happy heart. My children need it.” Okay, God….this is not for me, but for You. Place joy in my heart for this moment…take my fear and selfishness away. These feelings are not of You, I know this. Here we go!
I play for maybe 10 minutes before the group decides they’re tired, haha! They thank me for playing and compliment my on my voice…all I can think is thank you God for making this quick and easy! I will be in bed before 10 pm! Record timing…woohoo!
Just kidding
The group leaves except for one person. He comes up to me after everyone leaves and says, “You have a very sweet voice, can I record you?” What? Ummmm, no. God, what in the world….? Now this is just getting ridiculous. The LAST thing I am interested in doing right now is recording my musical ability…I’m not THAT good. Who is this guy?! Absolutely not, God, I really don’t want to – please let him be joking. I mean, my bed is literally calling my name…wah wah wah…
I look at him and say ‘no thanks’ without hesitation. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer, and I didn’t have the stamina to continue objecting…so with slight exasperation I finally agreed to record. He smiles with great excitement and pulls out his recording system…all I can do is laugh at the absurdity….I mean, seriously…how random! At this point, my heart is pounding hard with nervousness…this is my first recording ever…what if I sound terrible, what if I mess up and make a fool of myself? I’m SO tired! God, once again You have placed me in a VERY uncomfortable situation….I want to be mad at you, but somehow my heart only feels joy, which is strange because I’m terrified! AHHHH!
And then something even crazier happened…as I play and sing, this guy tells me he is a producer…excuse me, what? Did I hear this guy correctly? A producer…? I just stare at him – confused, really. And I’m not sure what to say honestly, so I don’t say anything at all. I just smile and continue to play like it’s no big deal… but THIS IS A BIG DEAL and I’m freaking out inside…God, You are full of surprises. I play somewhere around 8 songs for this producer and he tells me he will send me the recording when he gets back home and that he would like to record me for real at his studio sometime…hahaha, what? God, this just keeps getting more and more bizarre! This night just went from awful to incredible. I love my children…YOU, Danielle, are my child, in whom I find delight…I love to bless you in the most unexpected ways. You are special to me.
A smile is plastered on my face…impossible to wipe away
The night ends on a very high-note…and I find that I cannot stop smiling for the life of me! Walking back down to my house that night, I was still trying to figure out if that was reality or not, haha! That kind of thing just doesn’t happen….My life for the past week had been full of crazy surprises.
Heaviness #3: Selfishness
Unexpected event #3 complete – and yet another transpires
The retreat groups leave Sunday and work is done for the day… a sigh of relief escapes my body. Exhaustion overtakes my being and I literally seek refuge in my house…shut myself inside and stay there ‘til I fall asleep for the night, only to wake Monday morning with extreme heaviness on my heart. I couldn’t quite pin the heaviness…why is my heart SO heavy, God?! It’s not homesickness, I’m fully rested, today is a new day, so what’s the heaviness for?
I got out of bed, made coffee, and began my quiet-time with God that morning…feeling the need for it even more than normal…my heart ached so terribly and I found myself frustrated that I didn’t know why it was so heavy…desperately seeking comfort from God’s Word and time with Him that morning.
And He never disappoints. #truth
His Word seeps into my soul, steadily soothing my heart but not ridding it of the unnamed heaviness. And all that comes to my mind as I am praying is…summer camp…June…pain sears through my body, ready to break it in every way imaginable…that can’t possibly be the heaviness God! Please don’t say that’s it…but it was. A heaviness of having to say goodbye to a place that has been my home for the past year…to the friends that I have made here…God I don’t wanna say goodbye…the plan was for me to stay here through June! Danielle, you’re heart’s not in it…you will harm this ministry more than you will benefit it. You will not be here for the month of June. You need to tell Elise today. And I’m frantic at this point – coming up with endless excuses to sway God’s decision…Absolutely not! I cannot tell Elise I won’t be here for June….they are banking on me being here…I can’t just leave, God! I have nowhere else to go. What will I do? Where will I go? I can’t live at camp if I’m not working here, God…trust Me. Trust You?! You’ve literally turned my world upside-down in a matter of seconds! What do you want me to do with the month of June now?! God, I can’t tell her…I just can’t…my heart is breaking under all this weight…I can’t carry it anymore…yes, you can. I will give you the strength to endure. Nothing is impossible with Me.
That whole day I was fighting God on the matter of June…I refused to be anywhere near Elise because I knew that God would put many opportunities in my path so that I could tell her…so I stayed away from the office and didn’t talk to her really at all that day. I knew I was being defiant, but fear had taken over and I was clinging to the safety of camp. Obviously lacking trust in God…weakness of the flesh.
The evening came and I had planned to do a worship session in the Chapel with my friend, Austin. I knew I needed it…I needed understanding; time with my Father to discern His reasons for changing “the plan.” Walking up to the chapel that night, the last thing I wanted to do was worship – my heart hurt so badly and I was so confused that all I wanted to do was cry…not worship my Father. I arrive at the chapel, but instead of going inside, I walk around to the deck and sit on a bench to watch the sun set and the clouds grow dark. Somehow, the darker the clouds got, the more comforted I felt. (Stormy weather is my absolute favorite weather). The sun sets and I enter the chapel still not feeling up to the worship session…praying for a change of heart.
Sitting down on the stage, facing the glass wall of windows that look out to the sky and open field, I begin to strum my guitar. Austin, sitting behind me on the stage, strums along to his own tune and we just sit there strumming together…our minds on our own issues. And the sky breaks into a lightning show…striking the ground at random with vibrant ferocity. My heart pounds hard with each lightning strike – the power – the beauty!
Eventually Austin and I begin to worship together and halfway through the song the clouds break – a torrential downpour materializing in front of our eyes. I just sit there in awe of the power….rain pelting the glass windows in front of my face, ready to break any second now, the building creaking with every blow of wind and rain at its body…this storm held the authority. With determination, it continued for about an hour…a heavenly storm. And I loved it!
Then the skies cleared and immediately God placed crisp, bright stars in it.
Peace
All I could do was stare at the huge contrast of God’s power. Not even a moment ago there was a raging storm out there, and now it’s as if the storm had never happened….these stars are breathtaking! And then it hit me…it was a metaphor – my heart was in the stormy stage, determined to ignore the fact that I wouldn’t be at this camp in June…but as soon as I placed my trust in God, the storm would end and stars would paint the sky – peace. It would all be ok because God has a plan even if I didn’t know what it was. Okay God, I will tell Elise…but tomorrow, not tonight. Tonight I need to be with You – I need You to prepare my heart for tomorrows conversation…as much as I don’t want to, I will.
That storm was exactly what I needed and the stars were exactly what Austin needed…God gave us both one of our favorite nature scenes that night. Just another reminder that He loves His children fiercely. He knows exactly what we need exactly when we need it – disappointment is not in His vocabulary.
His love is strong
The morning comes and I know it’s the day to tell Elise the news – I’m on edge all morning; wondering how I’m gunna tell her…God, this is miserable. I feel awful. Help!
And He does
Elise and I begin walking down to our staff meeting and I’m thinking, is the time now? How do I word this news God? I’m SO nervous to give her this terrible news…tell her now. Now? How?! Ahhh! She will understand…her heart is gentle and loving; she loves you. I have prepared her heart for this news…but you need to tell her. Okay God, here it goes!
So since I’m terrible at talking around the bush, I just go right out and say it. Straight to the point…and peace washes over me. The weight of that information lifted from my shoulders and a quiet easiness entered my heart. Elise took the news with grace and a loving heart – and that is a gift God has given her – tenderheartedness.
Heaviness #4: My control vs. God’s control
Unexpected event #4 accomplished
Even though I have NO idea what God wants me to do with the month of June, at least He has ruled out camp. So now, I wait on Him for guidance…trusting Him to move in my life and guide me in my next steps as I prepare for the World Race.
