Being challenged is hard…it hurts, it’s frustrating, and more often than not, it’s convicting. As I launched into debrief at the beginning of August, I came in fully confident that I had everything together – that God had done enough work with me last month; that I had plenty of brokenness to last a lifetime! Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but God had done quite a bit within my heart while in Kosova…so I thought, how could there possibly be more to break down so that it could be rebuilt?! But as usual, I was wrong and God had quite a big lesson to teach me.
As many of you know, I love music…but there’s a sense of insecurity that constantly follows my love of music. Whispers of fear creep up saying, “Am I good enough? Are you sure this is really where you belong? How do you know this is your God-given gift?” “You don’t know how to lead these people….you are not experienced enough…you fail in comparison to the many other musical leaders here. Just give it up.” All these lies fill my mind with a sense of inadequacy and yet my defiant-self refuses to be defeated…refuses to accept the words that are meant to stop me from building God’s Kingdom. So I press on – certain that the only way to kill the fear is to step into it with confidence. But as I learned, that’s not always the solution…although it sounds like a good one, it can inhibit the growth God has for you.
The beginning of debrief birthed the chance to lead worship for my squad. When I was asked to lead, the fear inside me immediately said absolutely NOT! But I found my voice saying YES as I was thinking NO. And the insecurities rose within me – repeating over and over again, how could you say yes? You’re not good enough. You don’t know how to lead. Yes, you have a good voice and play the guitar well, but you don’t lead for big groups…that’s not your “thing”- you’re a loner and you like it that way. Even in the midst of all those thoughts whirling around in my head, for some reason I felt confident I would be ok. Here’s why: they asked me to lead, so obviously they think I’m good enough to do it well. That gesture made me feel pretty good about myself and built up my confidence a bit. So I dove into finding songs to play, feeling pretty great about myself.
The night to lead my squad in worship came and I was beyond afraid…but I responded by hiding my fear from everyone; covering my “weakness” with a charismatic grin and a demeanor of confidence; keeping the fear hidden so no one would know they’ve made a terrible mistake in asking me to lead.
As I stand in front of my squad to lead worship for the first time, I breath out a quick prayer and begin strumming – I play 2 songs and am just about to go into a third song when God hits me in the face with one word: PRIDE. And I don’t understand at all. (Just imagine this conversation happening in a matter of maybe 1 minute) So I quickly ask God to explain what He means by that word as I’m strumming to fill the transition….am I supposed to play a song that talks about surrender? Is there someone in this room that is struggling with pride? Is that someone me? BINGO! wait, what? What do you mean it’s me?! I have a pride issue? You must be wrong. I disagree.
So I play the third song, struggling to lead because God was talking with me at the same time…there was no way a fourth, fifth, or sixth song was ever gunna make an entrance now. Feeling frustrated, I end the song and then give the evening up to the next person leading a session. I sit down quietly…not really paying attention to the session because I was trying to digest what just happened. “God, why did you do that? I wanted to play more, to sing more, and lead more worship songs. I was feeling good up there…I don’t understand why you made me stop?” Because the condition of your heart is unhealthy. “Unhealthy?” You’ve built this belief up in your head that YOU are good at guitar, that YOU are good at singing, that YOU are a good worship leader, when in reality, all those things you’re good at, I gave you. I gave them to you so you would use them to exalt me, not yourself. Sounds pretty similar to a certain verse in the book of Matthew which says, “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled…” (23:12a). “Ouch.” Lay down your prideful heart, little love. Give me your heart – all of it, not just piece by piece. I am big enough to carry every last shard of pride you have holed up in there. Let me clear out all the garbage you’ve been fed, let me scrape the dirt clear, let me rebuild it and make it healthy again. Trust me.
As you can probably imagine, that conversation opened a whole new world of questions for me. The next few days were full of trying to make sense of everything God was telling me, convicting me of, and challenging me in. As much as the struggle hurt, the end result was entirely worth it! Now I’m not saying I’m 100% “fixed,” but in the process of God revealing areas of my life that needed to be surrendered so He could refill them in a healthy way, I learned what humility really looks like. Remember that verse I referenced in Matthew just a little bit ago? Well there is a second part to that verse which says, “…and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” (23:12b). THAT is a truth bound in love and grace from our Heavenly Father. God disciplines those He loves – we are addressed by God as his sons and daughters….Hebrews 12:5-6 clearly states that privilege. “And have you forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: ‘my son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because The Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.'” So you see, as his children, discipline will always be on the menu wether we ask for it or not. Discipline refines our hearts and attitudes to be more like Christ – it produces a new creation. “Neither circumcision or uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation” – Galatians 6:15. We have the privilege of being disciplined by a Father that genuinely loves us. The discipline we experience by Him is always meant to build us up into something much greater…something that will further glorify His kingdom and bring us into a life immersed more heavily in Him….walking in rhythm with Him – heartbeat to heartbeat.
