Three years ago today, I found myself on a
plane bound for Scottsdale, AZ to visit a cousin I hadn’t seen in years. I left December 15th, making
a pit stop in Seattle and San Francisco before finally making my way to
Arizona.
I‘ve found that far too often in my life, I
forget to go back and
praise God for the things He has done, for the places
He’s brought me.
I forget that the
freedom and joy I strive to walk in now
was once a distant reality that seemed unattainable.
This morning on my way into work, I found a
CD I haven’t listened to in far too long.
As I listened to the CD, I was taken back three years ago to a place of
desperation and fear, of loneliness and pain. As I listened to the CD, I was reminded of where it came
from and why I was even there to begin with.
Three years ago, I set out on a little
adventure if you will. I was in
the midst of a bought of deep depression and had actually just been kicked out
of my dorm room at school, having been deemed a hazard to myself. I found myself at a crossroads in my
life, wanting to live but knowing no reason to do so. I was sick of fighting with myself and
decided I needed to find a reason to keep pushing through. I was pretty frank with my parents, explaining
my concerns and my need to just go and be. God bless them for agreeing to let me go. While on this trip, the Lord taught me a
lot. He met me where I was and
continued to show me He loved me–through sites, smells, people, &
places–even when I doubted His very existence.
Three years ago I boarded that plane to
Scottsdale, completely unaware that it would change the course of my life. My cousin and I hadn’t seen each other
in probably close to 10 years before that day, minus maybe a day or two in
passing. We didn’t have much of a
relationship to build off of, but the Lord brought us together
nonetheless. I remember the late
night conversations like it was yesterday, the way everything fell into place
as if we were never apart. When I
left Scottsdale, I didn’t just leave with a CD and book; I left with the
knowledge of someone who loved me and was willing to do whatever it took to
help me grow.
my cousins and I during my stay in Scottsdale
One of my last days in Scottsdale, my cousin
presented me with a bit of a challenge.
After endless conversations about my depression and current crisis of
faith, she made an astute observation.
I was very heavily involved in ministry both at school and with a local
youth group yet my foundational truths were skewed. I had gotten to a point where ministry, not the truth behind
it, defined me. My cousin
challenged me to step back from ministry and start pressing into the Lord.
As I sit here and reflect back on that
moment, I can’t help but well up in tears. I remember telling her that God didn’t love me, that I was
beyond forgiveness and grace. I
remember making these claims with such conviction, confident that it was truth
flowing from my lips. As these
tears flow down my cheek though, I can’t help but praise a Lord who has brought
me from that place, a Lord who will do anything and everything to make His
truth known–the truth that, in the words of my cousin, “To say that God doesn’t
love you, you’d have to take down the Cross on Calvary.” I praise the Lord who
has freed me from that life of lies and has led me on an incredible journey of
redemption–a journey that, though painful, has proved to be completely worth
it.
