One thing I’m beginning to notice is I’m a writer. I’m constantly finding a need to write things down. Maybe you’re thinking, “Really, you just realized this now and not 3 weeks ago when you wrote your 70th blog?!” Well, okay, maybe I do blog a lot but that’s not what I’m talking about. Like I said in one of my previous blogs, I’ve had to train myself to blog. It’s simply not natural for me to share my heart with others. Because of that, despite the fact that I’ve written 87 blogs to date (give or take a few…), my readers actually know very little about me. It’s time to go deep. It’s time to get personal.
Be patient with me here as I share two things with you. First thing: snippet from my journal.
Lord, I’m not used to this. I’m used to just being an outsider, not being accepted for who I am. Well, I mean, I struggle enough trying to figure out who I am to begin with-I’m just used to nobody accepting whatever version of myself I am that day. I’m used to thinking whispering and giggling is all about me and that nobody would really care if I wasn’t around. I’m used to questioning everyone’s motives about what they do, what they say, just waiting for the next time someone’ll hurt me. But it’s not like that here…It seems like they all want to speak truth over me. It seems like they want to be a part of my life and for the first life Lord…this seems genuine. This seems real. It seems as if they want to empower me, Lord-to build me up into someone they have clear visions of me becoming. But that must mean they want to be there through it then, right? Lord, you’re breaking my heart for people. It’s easy to love people you’ll never see again-to come in for a week and do a service in your name. But Lord, this is much harder and much stronger love. You’re giving me a deep passion for these people, a heart that’s beginning to ache when they ache. I’m truly falling in love with each of these people, Lord. You’ve created in me a passion and a desire for family and you’re answering that call with each passing moment. They’ll be there when I break; they’ll be there when I fall. But they’ll also be there in my growth, when my jacket finally fits, when I finally grown my wings and fly. I praise you, oh my Lord, for your goodness, for your graciousness, for everything it is about you that brought us together.
Fair enough. Praise God. I’m falling in love with my team in a safe environment. But here’s the thing, that’s not all I’m praising God for right now. I’m praising Him for my past-a past full of brokenness, mistrust, self-hatred. I’m praising Him for freeing me of all of that so I can truly live in this moment. As I was on my computer the other day, I stumbled across a little reflection I wrote on February 11th, the day I was accepted to the World Race. It’s probably the most I’ve ever shared of my past with many of my readers but honestly, it’s so true.
What an amazing day. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would ever come to be at this point in my faith where I could say with confidence, “I’m going to make a difference in the world.” Two years ago at this time, I was severely depressed and suicidal and would soon end up getting hospitalized. Last year at this time, I was trying my hardest to overcome an addiction to cutting and was battling my depression so that I could get back into the residence halls. It would still take another almost 2 months before I was allowed back in.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” –Hebrews 12:1
I couldn’t possibly begin to tell you what this year has in store for me, partly because I flat out don’t know and partly because it’s so far beyond what my feeble mind can imagine. The Lord is going to do big things not only with me but also with all those around me. We are going to make a difference in this world and we’re starting with today
