I’m currently sitting in a hotel in Dallas, TX (well, Plano technically…). I’ve been here two days already and, despite the incredible humidity, I’m finding I actually like Texas. Not going to lie, I was a bit scared. I’ve never been to Texas before and, honestly, Texans kind of annoy me a bit with their Texas pride and all. It’s been great though. I got the opportunity to catch up with some wonderful friends the past few days and I’m excited for what God’s going to teach me throughout the rest of this week as I gear up for the Catalyst conference here in Dallas.
The last two days, I’ve found myself incredibly challenged by some of the conversations I’ve had. Conversations about faith and dreams and God’s purpose in life and, consequently, my mind will not stop spinning. It’s good though. It’s got me thinking a lot about some decisions I’m making and has made me start really pressing into what God is calling me to.
The truth is there’s a huge battle going on inside me right now. Ever since deciding I wasn’t staying in Georgia and was going to pursue my dream of photography, I’ve felt this incredible tension between the realist and dreamer within me. Everything in me wants to believe God wouldn’t be calling me to this if it was setting me up for failure. I mean, it’s just not who He is. I believe in a good God who wants to see His children living out of their passions, who wants to give them the desires of their hearts and see them prosper. Faith won’t let me believe otherwise. Yet, despite knowing all this, I can’t help but doubt. I don’t really know a whole lot about photography. I don’t really have anything lined up after Vietnam or any experience to fall back on.
I’m confused and doubtful, yet confident and secure. I honestly don’t know how to describe this tension I feel. All I really know is that something about this feels right. Something about putting myself out there and chasing this dream feels right, regardless of where I am skill, knowledge, or experience wise.
But as right as it feels, I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying to know there’s very little in my control at this point. I’m putting myself out there absolutely trusting that God has a reason for all of this. And honestly, part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me wants to be defiant, admit I can’t do this, and settle for something that won’t be as hard. Maybe I’m afraid of God actually pulling this off? Maybe I’m just sick of uncertainty… I don’t honestly know.
All I know is something about this feels right so I’m doing it.
