I thought I knew what a broken heart felt like. I thought I had already grasped the
whole “break my heart for what breaks yours” thing we’re always talking and
praying about by this point in the Race.
And maybe my heart had broken a bit here and there before, but nothing
like this.
Coming home from my day with Lee and Jung, my heart hurt. It physically hurt. I felt the grief of these women
literally weighing me down as I fought back tears and felt sick to my
stomach. Everyone around me was
filled with such joy. Laughter
erupted as they shared the many ways God provided and showed up throughout the
course of the day. But I couldn’t
do it. I simply couldn’t pretend
and join in. I couldn’t hold back
these tears any longer. I couldn’t
ignore this broken heart.
For over an hour and a half I sat on the balcony and simply
cried-tears of sorrow, tears of grief, tears of pain. I cried through the loneliness. I cried through despair. I cried ‘til I couldn’t cry anymore. And as I sat there and prayed, laid these
daughters of God at His feet, I realized-I
may not know them, but He does.
And with that fell more tears-tears of hope, tears of joy, tears of
faith in a God who pursues. I felt
a peace overcome me and the burden begin to lift. As I talked things through with Lindsay, I only felt all the
lighter. I was simply reminded of
His hand in all this. As much as I
want to “do” and take control of this, as much as I want to just grab both Lee
and Jung and take them out of that life, I can’t do any of that. It will take the Lord’s hand in it all. I must lay them down at His feet.
But it’s hard.
It’s hard to lay them down when your heart is so broken.
I had come to a place where I laid them down, where I actually
said, “Lord, only you can handle this one. I cannot do anything beyond your strength.” As I sat on that balcony, I had come to
a place where I realized it’s all up to Him. But that was 2 nights ago.
Today I’m presented with another opportunity to choose into
that. I’m presented with another
opportunity to say, “Lord, I need you
to be the one in control.” My
heart is broken for these friends of mine, friends who couldn’t come to lunch
today because they had “customers.”
I’m angry, upset, and frustrated at the schemes the Enemy uses but I refuse
to let him win.
Because, when God breaks your heart for what breaks His, it’s
not a one and done kind of thing.
It doesn’t end with one crying session and some prayer on a balcony. It ends when His children come home.
