As I sat there thinking, I grappled with thoughts of the life that I’ve known. A life filled with guilt, pain, and deep seeded hatred. I thought back to the times in my life where I stumbled and fell, the times where I flat out failed. I thought back to nights of crying in desperation, nights of unyielding sadness. I thought of the times I shouted at God, the times He forgot all about me. I thought of the friends who abandoned me, and the ones I pushed away. I thought of this life that I knew oh so well and how different things could and should be if I let them. I thought of the freedom before me.
And then I got scared.
I can definitely see the fear surfacing more and more and really, I don’t know what I’m scared of. I don’t know why I’m scared to walk in freedom. I don’t know if I’m scared the freedom won’t last or that somehow I’ll mess up the freedom. But whatever it is, I’m scared. Maybe it’s about identity. Maybe I’m scared I’ll lose a big part of who I am if I do walk in freedom.
So I sat there, scared. Scared of the freedom I so desperately sought. Scared of the freedom I so desperately needed. Where do I go from here Lord? Where do I go from here?
God, even when I can’t feel it, I want to praise you. I want to worship you with everything I have, even if everything is really next to nothing. You have saved me from a path of destruction. You have redeemed me. Even when I don’t feel that or when I forget, it’s still true. It’s truth! Lord, you love me. You love me enough to keep fighting for me when I’m confused or stop fighting myself. You love me enough that you sent your Son to die for me! You don’t love me because you created me and it’s your obligation-you choose to love me! Every moment of every day you choose to love me, regardless of what I do, what I say, or how I’m feeling. I can’t “do” anything to make you love me more…or less for that matter. You love me. You’re proud of me. You’re fighting for me. And even on these crappy days when I don’t feel it, it’s still true…You love me, oh Lord, and no, right now I don’t feel it but my God, I’m going to keep fighting until I do again. I’m done giving up. I’m done being controlled by darkness. I’m done being defined by my past. I’m done being scared to walk in the freedom you’ve destined me for-the freedom you so passionately desire for me. I will not be scared to walk in freedom any longer. I am your child, your beloved daughter and I have been created for nothing but this freedom. No longer will unforgiveness, shame, or guilt take hold of me. No longer will hatred or anger control me. I am yours, my God, and I surrender my whole being to you-all of me. Reveal to me the things I still need to work on. Refine me to be even more precious, pure, and holy. Work in me, Lord. I will work in myself too. Because I want to be with you. I want to feel you. I want to cling to the truth I know, the truth you’ve written upon my heart since before I was even a thought. You have destined me for greatness, for freedom, and I will get there, Lord. I don’t care if it takes 100 years of nothing but pain-to finally reach you and be forever free will be worth every tear, every moment of sadness. I will worship you and seek you-through darkness, through sadness, through everything. You are my God, the one who saved me from the hell I was in. You heard my cries, you reached down and steadied me. I will sing you praise all of my days. I thank you, my Lord…Thank you that your truth has always been true, even when I didn’t believe it or when I don’t feel it. Thank you for writing your truth upon my heart and that that–that truth-is what creates my identity. Never can I shed that identity. Never will it flee. Because it’s truth. It has always been there-even in those moments of darkness. I just need to choose to see it. And I thank you Lord for helping me see it-for opening my eyes and my heart to the future you have in store for me. I thank you that you’ve restore me and given me back years of my life by taking my chains and revealing to me that you were there. I thank you Lord for just being there. For wiping every tear, for holding me in your arms. I just thank you my God. I thank you. And I will keep thanking you and praising you through this darkness because I know it will be lifted. I know you love me and that what I felt yesterday is not what I feel today and won’t be what I feel tomorrow. I thank you for your redemption, your forgiveness, and your freedom. I will not be scared any more. No more!!!
So freedom begins.
As I wrote that journal entry, I can honestly say I didn’t feel an ounce of freedom. I was stifled by the fear within me. But as I write this blog, I can honestly say, fear has no control over me. I can look back on my life now and see that God never forgot about me and that the truth I know now, the truth about who I am in Christ, was never not true. Just because I didn’t realize it back then does not mean it was never a part of my identity before. This truth has and will always be a part of my identity. So, by letting go of the identity I held onto, the one of my past, I’m not really losing anything; I’m just finally stepping into my freedom.
I see Jesus on the hill in the distance, sunset behind Him as He simply smiles and waves at me, calling me towards Him. So I walk. And walk. Down the dirt path through the cornfields I walk. Never looking back, I walk. Head held high, smile on my face, I just walk. Anything to get closer to Him. As I pass the kids, my glow fills them and they join me too. They walk in freedom. We walk through the villages, side by side, freeing all those we see…and they begin to walk. We walk through villages and then through cities. We walk on dirt roads and highways. We never look back. We’re walking in complete and total freedom and our eyes are only on Christ. He’s all we see. Everyone who sees us is captivated by our glow and freed. Freedom for all!! Freedom through Christ!!
(all of the italics are journal entries from the past week or so)
