Am I really surrendering myself?

I can count on one hand how many sermons I’ve listened to in my life, and in the past 2 months I’ve picked up my Bible maybe twice, one of which was to lead Bible study.  For the past week or so, condemning myself for the terrible Christian that I am has just been one of my favorite pastimes.  Others include, eating feelings for the first time on the Race, rejoicing in solitude the few minutes it happens, comparing myself to those around me, and freaking out about post-Race options while trying to figure out if I even know how to live a Spirit-led life, just to name a few. 

Yesterday I had the room to myself for 18 minutes.  Yes, 18 whole minutes.  As I sat there playing my guitar, trying to remember the words to the song I just learned, I was being drawn in.

I’m giving you my heart, all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King
I’m giving you my dreams, laying down my rights
I’m giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
I surrender all to you, all to you

In that moment of time, it was like I suddenly realized what I was singing.  And then I stopped.  And I asked myself, “Am I really surrendering myself?  Because if I’m not, I shouldn’t be singing this song.”  I sat there for a moment and thought about this.  All those fears of the unknown, all those insecurities, all that condemnation-was I willing to surrender it?  And with each strum I made my decision.

This morning I woke up early, for the 4th day in a row, to read my Bible before starting my day.  Unlike the days prior though, today Scripture really came alive.  As I read through a few chapters of Luke, phrases like “nothing is impossible with God,” and “of his kingdom there will be no end” took on a whole new meaning for me.  My blood was pumping and I was excited.  Today was the first day in awhile I have woken up excited to go about my day.

After eating some breakfast, reading some blogs, and listening to some Cory Asbury, I decided to listen to the second part of a 2-part sermon by Kris Vallotton that I started.  As I listened to this, not only did I feel more alive, things made so much more sense!  He talked about the different attacks of the enemy-on our identity, on our motives, on our relationship with God, on our ability to accomplish the task, and on the quality of our work.  Things just made sense to me because really, that’s exactly what I’ve been living in the last week or so.  I’ve been living in a place where I’ve allowed the enemy to get into my head, to dwell there and feel me lie after lie when in truth, I know who I am.  I know I’m not a terrible Christian.  I know what it means to live a Spirit-led life, though I may not have any idea what it looks like.  And what better affirmation of all of this is there than the fact that I am His daughter.  I am a daughter of the living God.  And as I type this, “Sons and Daughters” by Jason Upton just came on reminding me even more.

So yea, I really didn’t write this blog for anybody but myself.  It’s mostly a reminder to me of the surrender-that I’m not worried what my future holds for me because God is there, that I’m secure in who I am because God made me, and that from this point forward I am sold out to Him and His will.  It’s just another act of offense, another act telling the enemy he’s got no place in my life. 

Thank you, oh Lord, for the freedom I have in you-the victory I can claim in your holy name.  Thank you that you love me regardless of where I am and that it’s not about the things I do and never will be.  Thank you that your love is everlasting and unfailing, finding us exactly when we need it.  Thank you Lord, just for being you.  Thank you for creating me as the unique individual that I am.  Thank you for giving me passions, dreams, desires, and gifts and for walking alongside me as I discover them and begin to walk in them.  Thank you that I can have confidence and security in my future because I have confidence and security in you and you are there.  Thank you Lord for being such a mighty God.  Continue to give me new life, each and every day.  I love you, oh Lord, and I praise your holy name!