It was in the summer before
entering 5th grade that my parents sat my brother and I down for a
“talk” where they informed us that my dad would be moving in with my Nana and
Tata. They quickly assured that this
wasn’t a divorce, but just a separation. I immediately started to cry while my brave older brother did not shed
one tear. My parents promised that
nothing was going to change and it wasn’t our fault this was happening. The plan was that my dad would pick us kids
up (my brother, me, and two younger sisters) every other weekend.
It took
some getting used to but eventually we started to look forward to those weekend
adventures with my dad. He’d pick us up
and we’d take off on long drives through the desert until we found some
unexplored spot where we’d find some cool “artifacts” and camp out. It was in those adventures that I learned
lifelong lessons such as how to change a flat tire, get lost without
panicking, shoot a rifle at coke cans and cook pancakes over an open fire. As we got older my dad started taking my
brother and I with him to Sacramento over summer vacation to earn our back-to-school
clothes money. Those summers were full
of hard work as we helped my dad build county exhibits for the State Fair. I learned how to use a staple gun, paint
murals, imagine something and then figure out how to build it and the
importance of finishing a project we started. My dad taught us how to screen print t-shirts, draw scenery and even
make car decals. He showed me how to
make a drinking cup out of a two-liter coke bottle and make random creations in
the kitchen. I can even remember
watching him for hours as he painted the doors of big diesel trucks and
racecars.
Things are
a little different now a days, my dad’s business went bankrupt, he doesn’t call
very often, and he has a humble home in a shop where doesn’t even have a bed to
sleep on. My heart is broken, not just
because of the condition that he’s in, but because I’ve been so selfish. Up until a few years ago, I’ve always chosen
to remember all the things my dad didn’t do for me growing up. I resented him for leaving us behind and starting
a new family with his girlfriend and not financially supporting my brother and
sisters and I. After his girlfriend got
pregnant, I was angry with them all. I
lived for so many years full of resentment, anger, bitterness and a sense of
worthlessness.
Four years
ago I was finally able to forgive my dad and his girlfriend. I found myself in my own pit of despair completely broken, bitter
and hardhearted. I was an insecure mess
when I finally handed my life over to Jesus for fixing. He loved my insecurities out of me and gave
me a reason to live. He showed me what
the great love of the Father really was. He healed my heart, took away all of my shame and showed me myself
through His eyes. He told me that I
could trust Him with my heart and with hesitation I placed it in His hands and
asked Him to please be careful with it because I didn’t want it to be broken
again. His love became more real than
anything I’d ever experienced before. Because of it, I no longer had a reason or right to hold anything against
my dad or his girlfriend anymore.
This past
week, things have happened where God has opened my eyes to see my dad in a
whole new light. Where the things he’d
say would before break my heart and make me angry, I can now see that he is
only speaking out of a broken heart himself. My dad got angry and walked away from my brother and sisters and I last
week. Normally in the situation I would
have said, “forget him, let him be mad, he has no reason for acting this way”,
but God showed me that my dad was speaking out of guilt, shame, pride,
unforgiveness, brokenness, and resentment. The Lord told me that it wasn’t that my dad didn’t love us, but he was
only pushing us away because he felt like he’d failed us. He looked at us, his kids, and saw not what he’s
accomplished but where he has fallen short. In all of this I was blessed with the opportunity to witness to my dad
about the love of God, which brings peace and takes away all guilt and shame
and relieves the pressures of trying to please everyone. I got to lay hands on him and pray the love
of God over him, that he would receive forgiveness and that every lie of the
enemy would be bound in Jesus’ name as I loosed Truth over his life. During that prayer I felt something break
off him and he began to weep as my sisters and brother held him like a
child. We assured him that him being in
our lives was more important than anything he could give us materialistically
and I believe that it was a seed to his salvation. He will one day know the love of God that I know and be healed of
his deepest wounds.
My friend recently wrote this song about the love of the
Father, and it just seems fitting for this post, here are the some of the lyrics:
“Oh great love of the Father
Fall on us
You heal our deepest wounds
You take away our shame
You drive away our fears
In the Power of Your name
I am loved by the Father.”
