I was flipping through my
journal today and found an entry I’d written while on my flight back to San
Diego from Georgia after leaving training camp and I realized that I haven’t
really posted much about what the Lord did in me while there so here it is:
8/8/08 On the plane again…
So I’m becoming an expert
traveler! I made sure not to wear a
belt for security purposes and I had my boarding pass and ID out at all the
right checkpoints. Now I’m on the plane
and I’m attempting to process this past week. I’ve had 2 cups of coffee because 1) Its not instant so it actually
tastes good and 2) I don’t want to fall asleep and miss out on a great
opportunity for alone time with my Daddy…
Gosh where do I
start?!? Training camp was crazy. I’ve never been pushed so hard in my
life! Not just physically but
emotionally and spiritually. One thing
I know for sure is I’m no longer the scared little girl I was when I left San
Diego for training. I’ve had a new
encounter with my Father who has accepted, secured and given me significance
again. When I started on my journey to
Atlanta, my heart was hardened and my spirit was broken. I couldn’t find true joy, only the surface
level smile I’d pasted on to deny the deep pains of the past. I was bound up in my fears and insecurities;
in such denial of my true self so not to disappoint the ones I love.
I’ve grasped that I’ve been
letting the enemy hold me back for so long by keeping me in a place where I
couldn’t fully receive love out of fear of not being good enough. This in turn only caused me to try to keep
God, who is Love, out; afraid that if He found out who I really was He’d ditch
me altogether. Truth is, its okay not
to be okay. Because of the Grace of God
I don’t have to hide my brokenness. I’m
free to finally be myself. I’m free to
truly smile with my heart because in Him I am good enough. 
He is transforming me into
His image not just for my own benefit but for those I will encounter on the
race. Not only is He preparing the
hearts of those I will meet and minister to but He’s preparing mine as
well. The bible says that, “the
sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart…” that He
will not despise. So that’s what I’m
coming with. That’s all I have to offer
is my broken heart and spirit. All this
time I’ve been trying to offer my skills, service, mind and abilities when in
reality all He wants is for me to surrender myself to Him. Bringing nothing to the table but my
heart.
So
here, I AM. I’m done trying to play the
game of being good enough. Jesus is the
only one good enough and so I’m choosing in. In to dying to myself daily, dying to my will, my dignity and my
comfort. I just want to please my
Father and receive my inheritance and take it to the lost and dying world. To go places with my Lord that I never
thought were possible and to see His Glory and live in His presence.
